I wanted so much to find a knight in shining armor after the incident. I prayed I could find someone to take my mind off of him. It didn’t work. Nothing worked. For some time after I felt nothing. I was numb. But suddenly, my emotions came rushing back to me and I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried myself to sleep for weeks. I cried in the shower. I cried in the car. So many tears had spilt from my body, I’m surprised I didn’t die of dehydration.
Did you know it is actually possible to die of a broken heart? For some time I thought I might but I couldn’t. I have our children to worry about and like he told me recently, they need me. But for a long time I couldn’t sleep without dreaming of him. For the first few weeks I had no appetite. I don’t remember eating. I don’t remember anything but the intense loss of my family. The intense loss of him.
It is so unbelievably confusing being a victim of domestic violence. You know in your head that you shouldn’t care about them. You know that you should hate them for what they turned you into. Your mind is in a constant battle with your heart. It tears you apart from the inside out.
Don’t get me wrong. I have never ever in my life loved another man the way I love my husband. I still love him. My mind is screaming and pleading with me to let him go. To let go of the dream that he will come home and be who we need him to be. He won’t. But my heart won’t let me give up on him. I know how ridiculous that sounds. And you can judge me all you want. But I can’t wrap my head around all the bad because I remember all the good as well. I remember who he was when I fell in love with him. I beg God every single day and every single night that he shows my husband that he is capable of being someone better than who he has become.
Not too long ago he told me that if I’m going to move on to please find a man better than him. It resonated with me.
Let’s hope that knight comes soon. However I am starting to believe that knight is me. No one can save me from this tragedy. No one but me.
I just hope I’m strong enough.