I’m not so sure. After the year I have had I’m not so sure I believe that. You see with everything that’s happened, I sometimes find myself wishing I never loved you. Wishing I never fell for your charm, your smile. God damn you with that smile that haunts my dreams and some of my waking moments. You see I fell so hard for you, I fell deeper and deeper through the years and sometimes I’m afraid I’m so far gone down the rabbit hole I’ll never come out. You’re the Cheshire Cat, popping into my life each time I’m ready to let you go. I hate this. Every single part of this I despise. Sometimes it feels like it’s eating me up inside. Sometimes I hate you, and you know why. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I go through an entire day without thinking about you. With all the good and all the bad I still can’t help but wish I never loved you.
I never understood this quote. How is it better to have loved and lost? The loss is what kills. It rips you apart piece by piece until you’re sure there’s nothing left of you to be broken. I’m pretty young. I’m sure I’ll fall in love again but in all honesty I’m not interested. I’m not looking to love another man. I’m not looking to bring someone into my world, and to go into theirs. I’m no where near ready to have our children around another man. And that’s ok. I don’t need it right now.
I don’t honestly know what I need, except that what I need is not you.
And that’s a good thing.