Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

I’m not so sure. After the year I have had I’m not so sure I believe that. You see with everything that’s happened, I sometimes find myself wishing I never loved you. Wishing I never fell for your charm, your smile. God damn you with that smile that haunts my dreams and some of my waking moments. You see I fell so hard for you, I fell deeper and deeper through the years and sometimes I’m afraid I’m so far gone down the rabbit hole I’ll never come out. You’re the Cheshire Cat, popping into my life each time I’m ready to let you go. I hate this. Every single part of this I despise. Sometimes it feels like it’s eating me up inside. Sometimes I hate you, and you know why. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I go through an entire day without thinking about you. With all the good and all the bad I still can’t help but wish I never loved you. 

I never understood this quote. How is it better to have loved and lost? The loss is what kills. It rips you apart piece by piece until you’re sure there’s nothing left of you to be broken. I’m pretty young. I’m sure I’ll fall in love again but in all honesty I’m not interested. I’m not looking to love another man. I’m not looking to bring someone into my world, and to go into theirs. I’m no where near ready to have our children around another man. And that’s ok. I don’t need it right now. 

I don’t honestly know what I need, except that what I need is not you. 

And that’s a good thing. 

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6 comments

  1. I’m struggling with a thing today (this week, this month, this year, this decade) … an experience I had at one point, where I could have gone this way instead of that way. It is an experience and decision that plays right into the question posed here. I made a decision and I struggle almost every day … for years now … with the consequences of that decision. I loved a person, and lost because of the decision I made. And there are moments when I simply cannot take the pain of that loss. I’ve been feeling it a lot in the last couple of days.

    • That’s how I think I’ve been feeling too. The loss of my husband makes me feel like my family is so broken. We’re not. We’re amazing. I guess I’m mourning the loss of what could have been. What should have been. What actually never was 😞🤔

      • “what could have been. What should have been. What actually never was.”

        In a totally different context but, really, about the same thing … exactly.

  2. The loss of our dreams for our future is devastating… until God picks up the pieces and gives us new dreams. He has a plan and a purpose for you and your children… and sometimes He has to move us out of our current situations to use us in the capacity that He wants. God bless you and your family!

    • The problem for me is I’m trying to be patient. Trying to give God time to show me my destiny. Dreaming has never been the problem for me. I dream. I’m good at it. I dream of my family getting back together. I dream my husband has the power to change. I dream I can accept this new reality I’ve been placed in. I dream that my children and I will move out of New York and build a new life together. I dream of happiness. I dream. I just suck at having my dreams come true.

      • All in God’s timing. Remember His timing is not our timing. Just discern where your dreams are from and trust Him, no matter what happens.

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