I keep having minutes where I miss him. I know it’s a normal part of the steps to being a survivor of domestic violence, but I don’t like it. I get sad for a minute or two sometimes throughout the day, but I think I’ve discovered the way to get over that. I have to force myself to see him for who he really is. And whats worse, I have to accept it. I have to remind myself he is sick, and won’t get better. I have to tell myself that as a victim, none of that was my fault, it was his.
I keep going from moments of complete devastating weakness to moments of fierce strength. It’s a roller coaster ride and I desperately want to get off at the moments where I am strong. But I can’t. The healing process for a victim of domestic violence can be long and brutal. It surrounds me a lot of the time. Thank God for my friends and family, my coworkers. They help to chase the monster away.
So today I’ve been reminding myself of who he really is, a dead beat dad and a low life person. Not the man I love. Yes I still love him, I have a long long long road ahead of me. I never talk poorly of him to anyone but tonight I need to vent a little. For someone who is adamant about not paying his child support I wonder if he realizes it only affects his children… not me. I work my ass off for our kids. He does nothing. It’s frustrating because underneath the anger I am so utterly disappointed in him. I was gas-lit for so long, but finally I can see it.
So when he tells me that it’s my fault he’s been arrested and it’s my fault if it happens again, I laugh. His choices put him where he is, not me. The reason things are the way they are, the reason he can not see our children is because on January 17, 2017 he decided to not only hit our daughter, but punch me dead in my face. He decided to do this in front of our 5 year old and 2 year old while driving my car. HE DECIDED. Not me. Not the judge. Not the DA. He made choices, all I did was take a step in the right direction. The sad part is, he made that choice over and over throughout the ten years we were together. He chose to be an emotionally and physically abusive man to me in front of our children, and to them behind closed doors.
I didn’t choose to mark my body this way….
I didn’t choose to hear how much of a hoe or bitch I was, especially when I wasn’t
He made those choices.
You know I used to ask him what he would do if I ever did press charges. He would say he would be mad at me, but no matter what would always take care of the kids and I. Would always love us. I’m quite certain, he was lying. He doesn’t know how to love us. I doubt he knows how to love himself.
But I can’t change him, nor do I want to. I finally can accept that.
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS SUFFERING IN SILENCE, PLEASE GET HELP. IT WAS THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE.
THERE ARE OPTIONS. THERE ARE RESOURCES. TAKE THE STEP.
PLEASE. GET OUT.