I have spent the past month or so feeling amazing about my life, about my future. I guess it comes in waves. I was so lost without him when this first happened. It was as if I didn’t know how to breathe without him whispering the steps in my ear. I have come so far since then. In the past month, I have learned to love me again. I have learned how to care about me, but even greater than that, I have learned to let him go. Some lessons don’t seem to stick.
In therapy I have learned that I tend to suppress hard feelings and emotions. I bury them or ignore them, anything to not feel the gravity that surrounds them. I did not do that tonight. I’m sad and angry and so disappointed with my husband and tonight I allowed myself to feel each of those feelings. I allowed myself to take each one for what it was. I wept, uncontrollably wept in my living room, clutching my coffee table. Digging my nails into the wood, I shook and sobbed for the loss of my husband. I lost him so so long ago, and I know it is for the best. My life and the life of my children has become so beyond amazing since we left him. I am so grateful to have been able to take these steps.
I wonder if the part of me that misses him occasionally will ever go away. I wonder, if after his probation is over, if we will be able to have a civil relationship. I wonder if he will allow me to move on. Not that he has control over it, but I am curious if he will handle it in a mature manner. He told me not too long ago that if I ever get a boyfriend he will kill him. Do I take him seriously? I am not sure.
I imagine it’s hard for any husband and father to watch his family move on with someone else in that role. My poor daughter asks me every day if she can get a new daddy. Sometimes I wish it could work that way, but I tell her the truth. No. She will never have another daddy but the one she has, regardless if he is in her life or not.
The three of us are moving on, and it’s terrifying but so so great. What has me crying is we should be moving forward with him. I am grieving the loss of my husband and he’s only a few towns away.
In a way my children are grieving too.
So if we never hear from him again, I hope he would know that even though he does not support his children, I am doing what I need to do. I am taking care of them. I am taking care of myself. In a way, he has been replaced, and not with another man. With the feeling that we don’t need him to survive. And that. my friends, is something I never imagined I could say.