Rainbows

I’m not sure if I have broached the subject of rainbow babies before, or if I have really written about mine. You see Ariana, my beautiful daughter, is my rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a mother suffers a loss. Not long before I had Ariana I did just that.

raibow baby

I was unfortunately the only one who seemed happy about my pregnancy, but I didn’t care. I was so excited to be a mom. I was about eight weeks along when I woke up one morning sick. Obviously, feeling nauseous during pregnancy, especially during the first few months isn’t a warning sign. So what did I do? I went back to sleep.

I should have never closed my eyes.

A few hours later I awoke in so much pain. My lower abdomen and my back were throbbing every few minutes. I didn’t know what was wrong until I went to the bathroom. Blood, everywhere. My pants, my legs, in the toilet. The pain that had dissipated only a few minutes ago came back. I screamed for help and started crying. No one was home but my brother, who at the time seemed so young. He didn’t know I was pregnant. I called my mom immediately and didn’t hesitate to tell her, “Mom I’m losing my baby.”

The next few moments are hazy and clear at the same time. I remember handing my brother the phone. I remember him running to the neighbors house, him calling 9-1-1. I remember the ambulance arriving. I remember my mom showing up from wherever she had been, rushing me into her truck and driving me to the hospital. I remember waiting in the waiting room with my parents, hysterical and screaming in pain. I was eventually put onto a stretcher. Gabe had been at work, I’m not sure where but he was soon by my side. They took me down to get a sonogram. A silent sonogram. No heartbeat. My poor baby had died inside of me and there was nothing I could do. I refused to believe what the tech was telling me. And even when my doctor confirmed that my baby was gone, I refused to have them take it out. It. Such a strong word because I will never know if my baby would be a girl or a boy. He or she never had a name. I never met them.

They put me to sleep for the procedure, and I woke up dazed, confused, not believing my loss. The emotional pain I felt was worse than any physical pain I had ever endured. I kept it in, moving through the next few months quieter than normal, not writing, not anything. I secretly vowed to myself that I would never get pregnant again. I knew I couldn’t handle the loss of another.

I was on birth control. I took it every day at the same exact time. Yet somehow, God must have decided I should be a mother and he blessed me with my rainbow baby. Being pregnant again scared the hell out of me. I was so nervous with everything I did and ate and didn’t do or didn’t eat. I spent my pregnancy battling an inner hell. Feeling so unbelievably happy that I was getting another chance at motherhood, but feeling immensely sad about the baby I had lost a few months before.

Eight months later and my beautiful girl was born. Though she was in NICU for a week, she was amazing and healthy and to this day is the light of every room she walks into. She is the most amazing little girl and one day I may or may not tell her about my loss.

**I cried the entire time I wrote this. And then I prayed, that God would help me to get the pain out. I never mourned my baby, I ran away from the feelings. And though it hurts, and I wish things had been different, I am grateful that I have been able to put this to words. I still have my only ultrasound picture of my baby. And that is something I will never let go.**

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6 comments

  1. “So what did I do? I went back to sleep.

    I should have never closed my eyes.”

    Oh honey, there are no shoulds in this story. Even if you hadn’t closed your eyes, it wouldn’t have changed anything. I hope you don’t really feel this way. You were in no way to blame. Sometimes these things happen and these things HURT. Let yourself feel that without letting any false blame sneak in like a dark cloud.

    Your baby girl is beautiful!

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