I thought I knew you inside and out. As it turns out, I didn’t. I didn’t know you at all. Then again, maybe over the years you changed. Maybe something happened that I didn’t see that turned you into this person that you have become. But then I think about it and maybe, just maybe, you were this person all along.
You would think, that after everything that’s happened your pattern of behavior would change. One would think that your choices would become smarter, wiser. Maybe you would sit and think about all you have done to me and for a moment, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t have my sympathy anymore. You did, up until Monday. Up until the moment I walked into my new home, that I paid for with no help from anyone, no help from you. It didn’t dawn on me right away, but as the mover was building my new furniture (again, that I purchased without yours or anyone’s help), I realized something I should have realized a long time ago. I do not need you. For anything. I don’t need your love and affection because you forgot how to love me a long time ago. Over the years I’ve learned to live without it. I don’t need your love. I don’t need your money since I obviously figured out a way to get through my financial struggles without you. I don’t need your money. I’ve gotten along fine the past few months, without a dime from child support. You haven’t given me a penny in a very long time and guess what, that’s fine. I can not force you to support our kids, nor do I want to. If you can’t step up to the plate I will. I don’t need your approval, for anything… ever. I don’t need you to like me. I don’t need your well wishes and I definitely do not need your sympathy.
Truly, I can’t think of a single thing I need from you.
But there are things I want, that I know I will never get. I want you to sit alone and stare into a mirror, realize who you are. I want you to see you. I want an apology, for the years of abuse I suffered, years of abuse our children witnessed. I want you to be a better father. I want you to find motivation to complete your treatments and rehabs, and find a job. I want you to walk on your own, like I do, with no help from anyone but yourself. Independence is amazing and I want you to feel that. And lastly, I want you to let me go. All these years I’ve held on to a dream that turned into a nightmare. All these years, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be by your side, to support you in whatever way you need, and to love you. I still want that sometimes, but now that I know I don’t need it, I don’t dwell anymore.
Turns out, I’ve accomplished more in my life in the past few months without you, than I ever did with you.
And to me, that is amazing.