I miss the numbness.

For a while after the incident, I was numb. I felt nothing most of the day and night and in a way it was comforting. I wasn’t ready to feel, you see it’s usually my emotions that get me in trouble. I make rash decisions based off of how I’m feeling that usually aren’t the right decisions to make. So in the beginning, the numbness was welcome.

There was a short period of time that I resented the numbness because when it would suddenly disappear I couldn’t handle the mix of emotions that would flood my soul. It would cripple me at times leaving me curled into a ball shaking and sobbing.

Now the numbness has almost disappeared, only to be filled with an immense sadness most of the time. It’s the sadness I fear.

I’ve been more and more sad as the days go by. I want him to see our children, and when I told the court that they said it’s not up to me. I’ve been asking since the beginning, and all I get told is that it’s out of my hands. Do you know how frustrating it is to be told that what happens with my children is out of my hands? They won’t even allow me to drop my OOP, which would allow him to at least be able to contact me about the kids. I am going to petition it again at our next court date… in three weeks time.

The judge said he’s not making an effort to prove he deserves to see the children. I don’t know if I believe that. I feel for him, and I know that’s part of what is bringing my emotions to the surface.

I go back and forth with many of my feelings. For now, I can’t do much but hope he gets his life together so that the next time we go to court, he can see them.

Until then, I miss the numbness.

 

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