I was sad today thinking about him. I don’t know. I guess I was having a day full of moments of weakness where I missed him. But tonight, as I lay our children down to sleep, I realized I miss someone who was never really there.
I tried so hard to save him from himself. We did marriage counseling, which worked so well the first six months until he started hanging around with low life’s. We went out separate ways, going to therapy individually, until he stopped that too. When I noticed he had a drinking problem I mentioned it, and though I was shocked he agreed, I wasn’t so surprised he didn’t stop. In the past I had shown him ways to get help for his anger, domestic violence courses and such. He never did any of it. When he said he didn’t want to be a father anymore, didn’t want the responsibility, I let him go. I put the weight of the world on my shoulders and I went on with my life. He wanted space, I gave it to him. He wanted dinner, I cooked for him. He wanted sex, I never said no. He wanted new boots, I found a way to get them. He wanted a wife without the responsibility of being a husband, and I gave him that too.
All I ever wanted in return was our family, together and whole and happy. I didn’t get it. He couldn’t give me that. He couldn’t seem to give me anything. I needed my husband and he was so far gone. I cried myself to sleep for months, praying to God to save him, to save us.
Maybe that’s exactly what God did. Maybe I finally had the courage to speak up because God gave me no choice.
I don’t know how I’m still standing sometimes. I’m doing it, and it’s hard but when I see my babies at the end of the day it’s all worth it. Every penny spent on daycare and dance, every dollar for clothing and food and rent and everything else they need. Every minute spent on homework and school projects. I’m doing it all on my own.
I never thought I could. I guess I surpassed my own expectations. I truly hope he is getting whatever help it is he needs. Though, I know I need to stop worrying about him. I mean come on. It’s not like he’s worried about me.