Surprisingly, throughout this whole ordeal of finding my voice, the monster has been hibernating. Then again, I’ve been numb to most of my feelings the past month. Has it really almost been a month? I can’t believe we haven’t spoken, or touched. I remember how he would always tell me I would never get over him. I would never be able to tell him no.
Maybe he’s right. But I guess we’ll never know.
The monster returned today, briefly. I sat, acknowledged it’s presence, and moved on to some trivial task to take my mind off it. It worked, sort of. I guess I’m getting better at this.
I hate moments of weakness. Moments where I remember the good times, the taste of his lips, the feel of his hands in mine. I don’t want to miss him but after being with someone for so long how can you not miss them? I have to remind myself I am a victim of domestic violence. These are normal feelings.
I can’t picture the future at all. We have two amazing beautiful children together so I imagine at some point we will have to make contact. I wonder how he will act towards me. Will he be respectful, nice? Will he be rude? I don’t know him anymore. I have no idea. Ever the impatient one, I will have to wait.
They say patience is a virtue, one I don’t have.
Can any of you believe I’m not lonely? I don’t feel lonely anyway and NO I am not seeing anyone. That’s not even on my mind. I have been taking this time to focus on my children and I. Focus on bettering life for them. It’s difficult, but I recently realized how strong I am.
And I’m thanking God every day for holding me through this all.