My lost love
I find myself wondering if the person you are today is really the person you’ve been all this time. I guess I’ll never know and I’m ok with that. I just didn’t see you until now. There’s a coldness in your eyes that truly makes me wonder what is going on in your head. Well, I used to wonder. I don’t care much anymore. It’s pointless really, to continue to care about how someone feels or how someone is doing when it is blatantly obvious they don’t do the same for you.
I never gave up on you before.
I’m giving up on you now.
Where have you gone? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you didn’t go anywhere. Maybe I pushed you too hard to better your life, our life, the life of our children. I only wanted the best for you, for our family.
Maybe all this time I was blinded by the love I had for you. I think that must be it. This past year your true colors showed. Like the devil grabbed hold of you and now he won’t let go. You have the power to be a great person, but I’ve finally learned it’s not up to me to make you a better man. That lies within you.
So in case you’re wondering, I am doing just fine. I’m working, providing our kids their food, shelter, clothes, preschool, dance stuff, day care, toys, diapers, wipes, everything they need. I’ve taken them for their doctors (since they were both recently sick), helped them take their medicine when they didn’t want to, set up play dates, been to so many fun places. And you know what? I did this all on my own. With no help from anyone but myself. I never ever thought I could handle this life with two children alone. I’m handling it just fine.
When I think of all the things I’ve had to do alone for our kids I wonder what you’re doing for them.
Well from what I’ve been told… nothing.
You don’t pay your child support. That’s fine. That’s why I work so hard. So I don’t ever have to depend on you.
From what your best friend tells me instead you bought a car and clothes. You haven’t mentioned them. You seem fine without them.
Instead of getting angry at you for becoming exactly what you promised us you would never become, I am disappointed. Of course I understand it’s hard to be there for your children with the constraints cps has put on you but even so. For your friends to tell me these things I sigh, shrug my shoulders and think it’s ok. I got this.
And you know what? We’re doing just fine.