I’ve always felt like the outcast in the family I was born into. I never truly felt like I belonged. Maybe that’s why I rebelled so hard. Maybe that’s why my life is the way it is. It’s not that I didn’t want it. Quite the contrary, I craved it.
As it so happens, I found what I was looking for in something my husband and I created. Maybe that’s why I stayed silent all those years. I craved my sense of family and belonging so bad that when things became bad I turned a blind eye. I allowed the love I had for my family overshadow the love I had for myself. And for a while that worked. I mean, it wasn’t always bad. But when it was it was horrid. I have to remind myself of the bad times, because the good times are so easily remembered, but I can never have that life back.
My poor children are now without the security of both parents. I guess with time that will be ok. We are all learning how to be without him. It’s not so bad. They don’t ask about him and I won’t bring him up. I’m sad today, thinking about how broken our little family is now. It hurts me deep in my heart and I can’t stop the tears from forming. What I can do is not dwell on it. To be honest I think I’m doing a damn good job of this all on my own. I’m working two jobs, saving money, getting our life together. I’m even more involved and loving with my children now and they love the attention.
And I’m so lucky in a way. Because even though a part of the family I created for myself is broken, I have my family I was born into. And I have the most amazing friends who make me feel so loved and wanted. And when I think about all that, I’m not sad anymore, the pain in my heart dissipates and I’m ok.
And for now, being ok is fine with me.