I’m so beyond confused right now. I don’t know how I feel about anything it seems. My husband is behind bars. For the first time in weeks I feel safe, I can leave the house without having an anxiety attack that I will run into him accidentally. But the monster is never far. It’s become an ever present feeling now, silently lurking shredding apart pieces of me along the way. I knew that speaking up would lead me to a new difficult path but I never imagined it would be this hard.
I never imagined the lies you would spill, or the viciousness that you have shown. Do you not realize now, I wonder, that I am alone taking care of our children, paying for everything alone? I’m not sure if you know but your actions and obvious tactics to hurt me aren’t working on me. You’re hurting our babies. You’ll wake up one day, and realize what you’re doing. But for now you stew in anger and plot for ways to bring me down.
After spending the better part of my life loving an abuser, it’s hard to let go. That’s what I want. To be able to let him go. I don’t know if I ever will but I guess it’s a possibility. I wonder how to go from thinking the rest of my life would be spent with one man, a man I’ve always loved, to now imagining my life without him.
Speaking up about the abuse I’ve suffered, and now dealing with the court process is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. It rips me apart at times but I know that if I didn’t speak, if I stayed silent, I would still be broken by you. You would hit me again. You would tear my heart with you words. You would tear our children apart with your words, your hands, and your constant abuse of me in front of them.
I did the right . The rest is up to you.