I’m sad this morning but not overwhelmingly so. I try so hard not to think about him or what’s currently happening in my life or the hurdles in my immediate future but it’s all I think about. I still dream about him every night and wake up in such a state of disappointment. When will this feeling go away?
My life has become so difficult lately and not just emotionally. I’m taking it day by day but it’s so much to bear I am unsure how much more I can handle. I’m terrified to see him tomorrow. We have court and I’m pretty sure he will be there.
I have such a feeling of disappointment in my gut. I am disappointed in him for hitting me again. I am disappointed in him for not owning up to his mistakes. I remember at one point of our relationship he pointed out that I needed to make him feel like a man. A man, my lost love, admits his mistakes. You, it seems, won’t do so and there is where the disappointment lies. In your inability to speak the truth about our time together I have become somewhat angry towards you.
I’m not sure if I’m healing yet. The process of healing is long and arduous and sometimes I don’t feel as if I am up to it. But for my children I am taking steps. Small steps but steps nonetheless.
I berate myself often for missing the man you used to be, before the abuse. I still remember all our escapades off roading, trips to the beach, random drives to the city and 3am train rides for no reason. I miss the safe feeling I used to get in your arms. How protected and loved I once felt. I have to remind myself you are not that person anymore. You haven’t been for so very long.
I appreciate all the support I have been receiving from family, friends, strangers, survivors, Victims, and my fellow bloggers. You all help me get through each day, and saying thank you will never express how truly grateful I am to you.