I am a victim of domestic violence. I have to tell myself that often. Why? Because I’m confused with all the different emotions I’m feeling. Sometimes I’m numb. To be honest, those are my favorite times. I feel nothing. Not happy. Not sad. Not overwhelmed. Nothing. And it’s bliss. But suddenly I will feel this overwhelming sadness and the tears just start pouring out of my eyes and I’m a complete mess. The monster roams free and its claws rip me apart. Sometimes I start shaking, other times I’m screaming. I’m constantly praying. Praying for God to help me heal, help me deal with the sadness.
Sometimes I miss him and the tears begin again. I hold myself and try not to think about him.
That’s when I think I’m out of my mind. How could I possibly miss a man who’s done this to me over and over again? How could I possibly feel sorrow over a man who hurt me both physically and emotionally for so long? The answer is simpler than you would think. I Am A Victim Of Domestic Violence. These feelings are normal I’m told.
I just want this all to be over. I want the entire year to just fly by. I’m terrified all the time and I’m not even sure what it is I’m scared of. I have to be strong I’m told and I hate hearing it. I have no choice but to be strong but do you know how hard that is? Being strong when your world has been turned upside down?
I’m so sad. I find myself wondering, is he sad too? Is he mad at himself? Is he mad at me?
I remember last summer, in another one of his rages, where I told an officer but recanted right away. I remember asking him if he would hate me if I pressed charges. I remember him at first saying yes. But later on, as we laid together on the couch, I remember him telling me he wouldn’t hate me. He would understand. I remember times where I asked him if he would care and he told me no. I can’t help wondering if that’s all true still. He used to say that no matter what he’ll always love me. I wonder is that true still?
And then I sit and berate myself for wondering about him at all. But I can’t help it. Even after everything I still love him. I don’t know if that will ever stop.
I pray he gets the help he needs for his anger and his rage. I pray our daughter can forgive him. I pray she will forget but I know she won’t. I pray one day he can reestablish a relationship with our children.
I pray the my children and I will be ok.
I am a victim of domestic violence. And I am not alone.
On a positive note, my daughter is feeling better today. My son too. We had a dance off for most of the day and I’m glad the three of us could smile and laugh together. I’m trying to do things with them to keep them happy and know they are loved.