I dreamt about you last night and for a few seconds after I woke up I thought we were ok. I didn’t remember the events of the other night, nor did I feel sad or lost. But as I began to awaken reality hit me and hard. Drowning in sadness for a moment, I quickly pushed those feelings to the side. Immediately I found myself in a state of numbness. I felt nothing and I was ok.
I got to the courthouse an hour early today. The numbness fading immediately to an overwhelming urge of sadness I forgot to breathe. Once settled in the courtroom I became anxious but numb. Six hours I waited for your name to be called. As soon as I saw you, hands behind your back, I couldn’t contain my emotions. Shaking with fear and shock and sadness I sat, glued to my seat, awaiting to hear the judges decision.
And much to my surprise they let you out. No bail. No jail time. Nothing. Only another court day for us to attend. I’m sick with worry for our children’s future.
I saw you in the parking lot and part of me hoped you saw me too. There’s a part of me that unfortunately reaches to you in every way. I hope this will fade, but can you believe even after everything I still love you? How pathetic, I know.
Now we are not to speak. Not to see each other. Not to coexist. You are not allowed to see our children. Our daughter has spoken with cps. She was forced to relive the abuse of the past and I hate you for that. I imagine you sitting wherever you are and lying to those around you and I don’t mind. You and I know what’s happened. At the end of the day you are left with yourself.
The sadness comes and the sadness goes. The dreadful monster inside me is awake and roaming, popping in and out of my soul whenever it pleases. And I allow it. For to get over this obstacle I must endure the pain. For the sake of our beautiful children I must be strong. And of course you of all people should know, I am strong. So though our family is broken, as well as my heart, I am whole. Pieces of me are missing but I will get through this. With the help of my family friends advocates and so forth. I will make it.
I am not the weak woman you have created in me. That woman is gone.