I guess you could say I am having a hard time adjusting to all the sudden changes of my life. Especially when it comes to Gabe. He’s so cold, distant, and harsh to me… but now it’s all the time. I’ve lost any desire to talk to him or be around him. I have even stopped wondering what he’s doing. Is he thinking about the kids or me? Is he thinking about us? The answer has been right in front of me this entire time, but I couldn’t accept it. The answer is no. He’s turned into a cruel selfish man, content with seeing his kids once every few weeks, going out every night drinking and doing drugs. Who is this man, I wonder, and what happened to the man I fell in love With?
We used to be able to talk. Now it seems pointless to even try. I can’t seem to say anything right or anything he wants to hear. I can’t make love to him because our love feels one sided and like a lost cause. It’s gone away in a storm, lost at sea, seemingly swallowed by the Bermuda triangle. I’m sad about it. I cry. Often. Not as often as I need. I have learned to bottle my emotions. I have turned to ice.
There’s a constant ache in my heart now. It’s so unbelievable to me, this new behavior. When he talks to me I become confused, as if I don’t know the man in front of me. I guess I don’t.
I wake up every day and for a moment think that everything that’s happened the past few months has been just me daydreaming. When reality hits it still doesn’t feel real. Honestly nothing about my life feels real. I’m dreaming. I just need something to wake me up.