Accepting my new reality

I guess you could say I am having a hard time adjusting to all the sudden changes of my life. Especially when it comes to Gabe. He’s so cold, distant, and harsh to me… but now it’s all the time. I’ve lost any desire to talk to him or be around him. I have even stopped wondering what he’s doing. Is he thinking about the kids or me? Is he thinking about us? The answer has been right in front of me this entire time, but I couldn’t accept it. The answer is no. He’s turned into a cruel selfish man, content with seeing his kids once every few weeks, going out every night drinking and doing drugs. Who is this man, I wonder, and what happened to the man I fell in love With? 

We used to be able to talk. Now it seems pointless to even try. I can’t seem to say anything right or anything he wants to hear. I can’t make love to him because our love feels one sided and like a lost cause. It’s gone away in a storm, lost at sea, seemingly swallowed by the Bermuda triangle. I’m sad about it. I cry. Often. Not as often as I need. I have learned to bottle my emotions. I have turned to ice. 

There’s a constant ache in my heart now. It’s so unbelievable to me, this new behavior. When he talks to me I become confused, as if I don’t know the man in front of me. I guess I don’t. 

I wake up every day and for a moment think that everything that’s happened the past few months has been just me daydreaming. When reality hits it still doesn’t feel real. Honestly nothing about my life feels real. I’m dreaming. I just need something to wake me up. 

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7 thoughts on “Accepting my new reality

  1. If I remember correctly … Gabe is nothing more now than the father of your children. He’s not your husband, he’s not your lover, he’s nothing other than the father of your children and that’s the only way in which you should relate to him.

    I’m the youngest of four in my family. One of my sisters never stopped being somewhat dependent on our parents. I remember having a conversation about how she was concerned about how our parents might view something she was thinking of doing. And I thought, “you’re an adult, why do you care what your parents think?” And this was well beyond the early adult years. She was probably in her mid to late 30s at the time.

    My point is you need to move beyond the idea that you need to care about him, how he feels, how he reacts to you, and all of those other things. He is the father of your children. You have separated and need to establish a relationship with him built around that. I get it, that’s difficult to do given the years together and what are likely still confused feelings on your part. But … work on that.

    Good luck. You’re getting there, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

      1. Just keep moving towards that future where he’s only somebody you have to interact with because of your kids. That has its own dynamic as well. But separate that from everything else. He’s nothing more than that to you.

      2. Totally understandable. You spend that much time with somebody for as long as you have. You devote as much energy and effort. It’s hard to imagine how to move forward without him.

        My 19-year-old son has had a girlfriend for the last three years. They described each other as best friends before they started dating. They broke up a week or so ago and they are both now struggling with how to move forward. The single biggest reason they broke up is because they go to colleges that leave them in a long distance relationship. And that my son isn’t doing that well and that she is somewhat spoiled. And they are both still pretty young.

        But what I have told my son is that he needs to work (they need to work) on getting back to that place where they were best friends because their reality has changed. It’s hard for them to see that, but they need to stop trying to assign blame and rehashing the why and just move forward in their new reality in a way that keeps their ties with each other because they did have a really special friendship before they started dating.

        Your situation, obviously, is more complicated, but I think the advice is the same. There are reasons he can’t be that person in your life — your husband, your lover — he lost the right to that claim. But, there is still a role there because of those kids. And that’s the reality both you and he need to get to.

        Hard. Really difficult. But just keep moving towards that. A life in which the two of you can, hopefully, work together as the parents of those incredible kids you have, while the other needs you have (and he has) are met with somebody else.

  2. I can totally understand how you are feeling. When we break away from the abuse, more and more of their anger and resentment becomes evident. But we still long for them to change and for our families to be restored. I hope that one day you can read my book. So many of our stories are so similar when we deal with the brokenness of abuse. Praying for you and your family!

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