I’m ready for the monster…

I’ve decided to allow your claws entrance into the deepest parts of my soul today dear monster. I think this feeling you give me is more than just a torment, sometimes it’s a warning. I realized when I left my husband that I need to wake up and realize that his actions and abuse towards me are wrong and unacceptable. Even so, the strength in me subsided recently and I let him back in. He has it all and I sometimes wonder what does that feel like. I’ve left him, but it doesn’t feel as if I’ve gone anywhere. 

Today, I hope; was the last straw. As I feel your claws lengthening and grabbing me from the inside out. Normally I fight you monster. I push away from the darkness and silently scream until your gone. Today I won’t do that. Today you have free reign, to bring me down into the depths of the hell inside me and do whatever it is you do once I’m there. I can’t promise I’ll make it out breathing once you’ve got me down there. But today I won’t fight the darkness. Consume me with it monster, do your worst. I never want to feel this again so maybe, if I finally let you take over and do to me what you must, maybe I will wake up and let go. 

Because in the end it’s all about learning how to let go isn’t it? Learning how to let go and be on my own? Learning to stop the pain. 

I’m ready for you monster. 

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