Monsters

The Darkness Inside You Can Make You Feel So Small

Monster, monster. We meet again. I don’t even want to know where you’ve been. It’s been a few weeks without you here, surprisingly. The world is still black but you haven’t made a peep. Why is that? Of course, you couldn’t stay away. You’re here with me tonight, as always taking my breath away. Like a weigh on my chest, except you’re inside me. Squeezing my lungs little by little. Is it because of the past few days events that brought you back my way? Or were you just hiding until you felt bored enough to make your presence known? 

Things aren’t ok. They haven’t been since I left him. All this time I thought I was ok but sadly I was wrong. What else is new. I’m wrong a lot.  

Monster, monster. You’re making it hard for me to breathe. Hard for me to swallow. The darkness is rushing its way inside me and I feel so weak, I’m not sure I can stop it. 

I want to cry. I’m not in a place where I can cry but I want to. I want to yell and let it all that’s been happening to me. I want to wake up tomorrow and have everything be ok. I want so many things that I have no control over. 

Welcome back monster. Don’t get comfortable. I’ve held you at bay before. Tonight you make have your claws in me, I can feel them tearing at me. Ripping the last bits of me to pieces. 

Don’t stay monster. Please. Just leave me be. Please go away. 

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4 thoughts on “The Darkness Inside You Can Make You Feel So Small

  1. I can relate to this. Although my struggles have been with intense, crushing sadness more than anxiety, the intensity is very much the same. The realization that trials and struggles make us stronger is no consolation when in the midst of it all. I wrote this in Feb 2015 but never posted it because it was too personal: “This thing inside me… I can’t stop it. Or maybe I won’t stop it. At this point it doesn’t matter; it’s all the same. All I can do is watch as it devours me from the inside out. When it’s said and done, I have a feeling I will be nothing but an empty shell vaguely resembling who I used to be. That destructive force within will still live, ravenous for more. But there won’t be anything left to take.”

    Please remember, even when it feels like you are alone, you aren’t. When it feels like you can’t survive the pain, you will. Hang in there…

    1. It’s in those moments of darkness that survival escapes my mind and I’m just left in a terrified state. I’m slowly learning to cope with this depression and anxiety but with therapy and time I’m hoping the monster inside me will stay put and not torture me anymore.

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