From the headline it looks as if this post will be about me expecting people to grow up and get on my level. Like it’s going to be a post with me bitching about someone bothering me or putting me down. That’s not what this is about. It’s about me getting back to where I used to be. A carefree place where I was determined, smart, all smiles, and most importantly… happy. I’ve lived so long in a dark, dark place. Surrounded by monsters I constantly felt I couldn’t escape. I’m starting to realize, little by little, that I didn’t just lose that girl I once was. I buried her. Underneath the pain and tragedies I have succumbed to in my life, I buried a strong, resilient, motivated individual who chased her dreams. Now I’m just a dreamer. A passionate dreamer with no motivation or self esteem to turn my dreams into reality. That needs to stop.
I have a list in my head of things I want to accomplish, things I wish I could do. So what’s stopping me? Is it time? Partly, though I can always find the time to do some of the things I dream to do I constantly find myself doing something else… usually something I don’t want to do. What makes me shy away from at least trying? I think it has less to do with my motivation and more to do with this helpless feeling I always have. The feeling that I can’t do something, or I’m not good enough. The truth is I am more than that, I just have trouble seeing it sometimes. My head and my heart are confused and buried in this deep despair I feel. I need to focus on getting my head together and living. Really living. Because what it feels like I’m doing, is slowly dying.
I have a habit of taking care of those around me, with little to no regard of what is going on with myself. This needs to stop. I tend to put others wants and needs way, way, way before my own… as if I’m not the important one. As if I am not the one who matters. I’ve gotten used to being hurt with words and physical blows, used to being disrespected. There is nothing that makes that ok. I know that, but in the moments of my day it gets hard to see it.
What I have noticed lately about myself is that whenever I am being disrespected, or abused verbally, I notice it. For the first time in a long time I see it for what it is. Hurtful. Wrong. Not ok. This leads me to have an internal fight with myself. Why are you allowing this to continue? Why don’t you take charge and make it stop?
This is where I struggle. The why. The reasons I allow people to make me feel so low. I’ve lived a tough life, but I want to break free of the cycle of hurt. I want to live. I want to be happy.
I truly believe, that if I could take matters into my own hands- do what I have to do- I could be happy. More than that. When I take care of me, when I stop allowing others to treat me like a doormat, I am happy. I’ll get there, slowly. I am on the border of something greater. I just need to reach out and grab life by the balls I guess.
Now on to my next obstacle. Having the patience to wait for the good that is sure to come.