Can I Make It On My Own?

For the past month I have struggled with the choice to stay in my marriage or leave. It’s a question I ask myself on a daily basis now:

Can I make it on my own?

I wish there was an easy answer, but there isn’t. There’s no right or wrong, no maybe or yes or no. The question sits there in the pit of my stomach, constantly awakening my anxieties and making it hard for me to even look at my husband.

I want to leave.

I want to stay.

I choose to stay.

I think about it every day and I still can’t answer if I want to leave or stay. For the sake of my children I want to go. I do not wish to break apart my family but my family (meaning my children and I) deserve so much more than what we have been handed. My kids deserve a father who loves their mother, which is not to say my husband doesn’t love me. He does in his own way, however they deserve a father who not only loves their mother, but shows it, acts on it. My husband tries sometimes, but it’s not good enough. We deserve more. 

The question still remains unanswered. Can I make it on my own, without the help of anyone? I’m not sure.

Financially:
When it comes to money, I’m not so sure I could give my kids much towards the life they deserve. I only work part time, picking up hours when I can. I’d have to get a much cheaper apartment somewhere (which on Long Island is almost impossible to find. I would have to find a way to go back to school to finish my degree so money problems would become a thing of the past.
However, right now I do not wish to go through DSS because the only way they will help me is if I go after my husband for custody and child support, something I do not wish to do at this time. Since that leaves me with no other options, I stay.

Emotionally:
This is tougher for me. Yes, I would be away from the anger that lives within my husband. Yes I would be away from the lash out, the name calling, the physical abuse. I would be away from him, which makes me sad regardless of all the negative. It hurts my heart to stay and the thought of leaving hurts my heart as well. In my head, I can kind of see myself as a happier person. I can see myself smiling more. But I almost see myself alone, something I fear dreadfully.

I guess right now it doesn’t matter if I want to stay or want to leave because financially I can’t leave. Financially, I have to stay. Financially, there’s no other way.

I try to work more now, I started making fall decor that I am selling. We’ll see how far that gets me….

but for now I stay.

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