I’m closer to leaving today than I’ve been in the last decade. I guess you could say I’ve reached my breaking point. Still, I try to find reasons to say but lately I’m coming up short. We spoke on Wednesday at therapy on what I need from him and it has to be that he is either incapable of giving it to me or he just doesn’t want to. I guess I was right when I said I am no longer a priority.
His words still drip venom, his attitude is the same. I’m afraid his fist will make impact any minute. He raises it to me, or pushes it against me in his fits of anger and I’m frightened. Living in fear of your husband is not the way to live.
I can only take so much and I’m afraid that it is noticeable to him that I’m reaching the point where I am done accepting his behavior. I try to keep it to myself, I try to smile. It’s hard. I still cry myself to sleep. I still sit in silence and just stare into emptiness. Is it noticeable? I hope not.
I try to not be so harsh in response to his cruelty but lately I have no more patience and my anger gets the best of me. Maybe it’s best if I stay away from him until I can pack up and leave. That day is coming very soon and not only does it make me sad, it terrifies me.
What is going to happen to us when I leave?
I think I need to stop worrying so much about him and start focusing on me and the kids. But when you’ve done nothing but put the one you love above yourself, how do you finally put yourself first?
I’m a work in progress I guess…