I can’t remember what day of the week it was when we met. I don’t remember what I was wearing, or the time. The things I remember are more solid. I remember seeing you for the first time and immediately knowing that this, us meeting, was supposed to happen. I don’t know why, but you were brought into my life and from that second I had an intense need to know you. That need only grew the more I spent time with you and grew even more whenever we spoke.
I remember the times where we weren’t talking, I would think of you. After four years of us on our separate paths we eventually came together again, as friends. We made a pretty good team, you and I. I tried to be there for you anytime I thought you needed me.
I remember when I moved to South Carolina, how much I missed you. Our phone conversations would grow longer and longer each day. I could hear the yearning in your voice. You needed me, but I was so far away. So what did I do? I came back for you.
Those early days weren’t easy for me. I was back in a place I didn’t really want to be. With you, I could escape those bad feelings. Only with you could I be transported into a place I felt safe and happy. And things were good.
I remember the first time we slept together. I’ll admit, I definitely did not imagine the day going the way it did. And to be honest, I never imagined it would happen again… or again after that. It did.
I will never forget the day you asked me to marry you or the joy I felt knowing you wanted to make me your wife.
I remember all those nights we would spend sitting in my car talking about everything, anything, and nothing. You were so open to me and I tried to be as understanding as I could.
You gave me two of the greatest gifts I will ever receive.
It’s almost a decade later, and still in my moments of sadness I remember all those moments of good. I remember your smile and how amazing it feels to be in your arms.
Even with all the bad we’ve been through, all the pain and hurt, I remember the good.
Every day I will remember the good. And to this day I regret nothing. I don’t regret one moment of this relationship.
Now I wonder if I’m loving the ghost of the man I married. A ghost of the man I fell in love with all those years ago. You have such anger in you, and almost always it is directed at me. Almost always I am your punching bag, whether it be your words or your hands I am the target. I take it, because I am deeply in love with you still.
You seem to be desperately trying to push me away. You seem to be doing whatever it is you do that makes me hate this part of my day. Looking at you used to give me butterflies, now I look and get tears. Tears I have to hide from you, because I do not want you upset with me.
All I’ve ever wanted from you is your love. I just wanted you to love me back unconditionally, for better or worse. I struggle to remember what it feels like to be loved by you. I struggle to remember what it feels like to be loved by anyone.
You are blinded by your animosity, completely unknowing to the pain you release upon me. Your words are the sharpest of blades that cut right through my heart. My heart, you see, is always silently weeping for the return of the man who once loved me.
I hear your words, my love. That is not enough. I need your actions. I need to know the love is still there.
Because if it’s not… what am I still doing here?