advice · anger · anxiety · change · dreaming · hate · help · husband · Marriage counseling · relationships · stuck · troubled · Uncategorized

I Admire Your Strength to Know Your Worth.

Admire

My heart is aching as I sit here at my desk. Around me nurses are taking care of their patients, having coffee etc., all going about their day with no clue of the week I just had. I’ve only been here for an hour so far and already I am exhausted from putting on a fake smile and trying to seem ok. I know I’m not. It’s taking everything in me not to curl up and cry. Days like this are hard for me. The ache is so strong when I am alone. Granted, I am surrounded by coworkers but I am still alone. These people don’t know me, they are not my friends. We see each other a few times a month considering I’m only here weekends and not everyone works weekends.

I keep bringing myself to different domestic violence websites, looking through their information, and just closing the tab. We’ve been through this numerous times and I’ve never felt the urge to do anything about it until now. I don’t think I will take that step but why am I continuing to visit the websites? Why have I called the hotline three times?
Deep down… I know I should leave.

How do you leave the only man you’ve ever loved? How do you break apart your family, when all you’ve ever wanted was just that…. Family. What do I tell my daughter when she asks for her father? He’s not a bad dad. He’s just not so great in the husband department.

We talked yesterday at the beach yet I still get the feeling he doesn’t understand a word that is coming out of my mouth. I’m trying so hard to see what is going on in his head but I think I’m blinded by the fact that all he seems to care about is himself. What about my needs? They don’t seem to matter.

I want to go to one of the domestic violence group counseling meetings. I want to talk to someone who’s been in my situation but had the strength to walk away. I admire any woman who can understand my fears but unlike me knew her worth and left. I need to see what’s on the other side of the rainbow. That’s what holds me back. I have this intense need to know what happens if I take that step.

I am not this weak woman I have become. 

 

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7 thoughts on “I Admire Your Strength to Know Your Worth.

  1. I chose to live in this for years. I made excuses and was weak. The easiest thing to do was stay. One person made a comment to me one day and it was the one thing I needed to hear. It had probably been told to me by numerous others, but this time I heard what they were saying. I chose that day to walk away. It was a struggle, my children cried, I cried. The abuse had gotten so bad that I was having numerous panic attacks during the day. All from stress of the situation. The abuse was never physical so until I got out of it I didn’t realize how bad it was. As I began healing; I realized I had made the best decision of my life. My anxiety lessened, my panic attacks started going away, I saw light at the end of the tunnel. The depression started lifting. I felt like the chains that had been holding me down were finally broken. I was there. I hated my life. I was miserable. No one but myself knew the extent of what I was put through. I hope you can have the courage to walk away or get help. If he doesn’t want to try then don’t make him. Your kids will be upset. You will question if you did the right thing, but a year from now when you look back, you will be so thankful you chose to end this. You are NOT the weak woman you have become. Neither was I. And as soon as I stepped out of the bondage, the real me started coming back.

    1. Leaving is much easier said than done and unfortunately at some level, I don’t feel like I am making excuses for him. I do think, however, that I am caring too much about what is best for him and how he feels and not enough about what is best for me or how I feel. I’m in a dark pit right now, and part of me is seeking him to pull me out. I am terrified of what is going to happen after I leave. How do I know that it is the best decision? How do I know that it’s not the worst?
      I can’t see the future and that is what holds me back.
      I am so happy to hear that you were able to get out. The abuse I get is mainly verbal, emotional… however it has been physical many times.

      1. My abuse was verbal and emotional, but it made me someone I’m not. He completely took away the real me. I was in that pit and NO ONE can pull you out, but you!! Leaving is much easier said than done. I had to crawl back with my tail between my legs and live with my mom for a while…two kids in tow. I know there are so many things in your mind and they’re all running together. LISTEN TO ME…you are making excuses for him. I did the same thing.
        Would you want your daughter being in a relationship with a man that treated her like this? If not, then that’s your answer. You don’t deserve any less. I will cheer you on. You can email me even if you’d like.
        What are you afraid will happen after you leave?

      2. I don’t have anywhere to go but a shelter. I don’t know what would happen after I leave. That’s what scares me. I know I shouldn’t but I worry about what would happen with my husband. If he gets arrested and put in jail, not only will he hate me but he will be in jail. I strongly believe jail won’t rehabilitate him or help him with his anger in any way. When will he see our children? The crazy part of all this is I sit here and wonder how he will be.. I know it’s stupid but I can’t help it. I want my family together. I want him to get help.

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