My heart is aching as I sit here at my desk. Around me nurses are taking care of their patients, having coffee etc., all going about their day with no clue of the week I just had. I’ve only been here for an hour so far and already I am exhausted from putting on a fake smile and trying to seem ok. I know I’m not. It’s taking everything in me not to curl up and cry. Days like this are hard for me. The ache is so strong when I am alone. Granted, I am surrounded by coworkers but I am still alone. These people don’t know me, they are not my friends. We see each other a few times a month considering I’m only here weekends and not everyone works weekends.
I keep bringing myself to different domestic violence websites, looking through their information, and just closing the tab. We’ve been through this numerous times and I’ve never felt the urge to do anything about it until now. I don’t think I will take that step but why am I continuing to visit the websites? Why have I called the hotline three times?
Deep down… I know I should leave.
How do you leave the only man you’ve ever loved? How do you break apart your family, when all you’ve ever wanted was just that…. Family. What do I tell my daughter when she asks for her father? He’s not a bad dad. He’s just not so great in the husband department.
We talked yesterday at the beach yet I still get the feeling he doesn’t understand a word that is coming out of my mouth. I’m trying so hard to see what is going on in his head but I think I’m blinded by the fact that all he seems to care about is himself. What about my needs? They don’t seem to matter.
I want to go to one of the domestic violence group counseling meetings. I want to talk to someone who’s been in my situation but had the strength to walk away. I admire any woman who can understand my fears but unlike me knew her worth and left. I need to see what’s on the other side of the rainbow. That’s what holds me back. I have this intense need to know what happens if I take that step.
I am not this weak woman I have become.