I’ve been questioning my choice to stay since before I made it. Am I doing the right thing? Is he capable of change? What does this mean for our future? I question my choice almost every minute of every day. It seems like it’s the only thought I have. Am I doing the right thing?
Leaving all you know is obviously hard. It’s not easy to just pack up and step into the unknown. It’s one of my biggest fears. The unknown. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. It tears me up inside.
I could still go. I could still file a police report which would lead to a restraining order and jail time for him. Then I could go to one of the shelters and figure out a way to get my life on track alone and without him.
But I stay.
I’m sad right now because instead of getting the feeling like he’s remorseful for his actions, or sorry, I get the feeling that he doesn’t care. Instead of feeling like he is going to do anything in his power to change I feel like he isn’t going to make any effort. Instead of feeling like his top priority I feel as if I’m not even on the list.
I wonder what I’m worth. I wonder because instead of doing all these things I hope or would expect him to do, he’s planning nights out drinking with his disrespectful friend and telling me if he doesn’t get that then it will happen again. It shouldn’t have happened at all. I tell him I’m terrified of being around him if he’s been drinking and he says well he’s going to drink.
The monster is in full force almost all the time.
Maybe the choice to stay wasn’t the right choice at all.