Hating Myself

I feel so confused and lost and lonely and depressed and so so unbearably sad. I keep replaying the events of that day in my head, trying to see if I can figure out where he snapped and I can’t. I had no clue he would succumb again. You know what’s breaking me right now? I promised myself if it happened again, especially if it was in front of our kids, I would get out. I had a plan. I have everything I need. Drivers license, marriage license, birth certificates, school records, health insurance information, car. I figured I could pack a bag of clothes right before I decided to go. I never made it to the packing.

There’s this part of me that is angry with myself for not doing anything yet again. I’ve failed myself over and over and here I am doing it again. I’m yelling at myself internally to just go. I’ve called the DV hotline three times since the incident. I just haven’t made the step to go.
They want me to call the police, get him arrested and get a restraining order. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to sever contact. And I definitely don’t want him going to jail. Jail, in my opinion, doesn’t fix anything. Maybe I’m wrong.
I asked him today if he would hate me if I took the advice from the DV place and left. He said yes. Why does that hurt me on one hand and then on the other make me believe that leaving, calling the cops, all that is the right thing to do?
He hugs me and I’m happy, and I feel good. I look at him and I feel intoxicated with sadness and despair.
I can’t win this emotion fight going on inside me. I’m so tired and lost. I’m so sad. So confused.
Why don’t I leave? I guess the only thing I can think of is that I am truly terrified of what happens after I leave. What next? Are we done? Do I ever see him again? He will hate me but will we be able to work past it? Will he get help or will he give up?
I hate the unknown. The unknown keeps me from taking any steps in any direction.
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