At this point in my life I am frustrated, impatient, and sad. I want to be places that I am not. I want things that I have no access to. I want to change the past.
I am tired of living the way that I’m living. Sad that I can’t just snap my fingers and see the changes I wish for on a daily basis. I can’t reach my goals. Everything seems impossible to me.
Why did I make the choices I made in my youth? Why didn’t I see my potential? Maybe I never had any. Maybe it is gone.
Maybe I could keep trying, but what if I fail? What if I fail? What if all my hard work goes for nothing?
I wish I had more help with my kids. That alone would help me achieve my dreams. I could work more which would lead to me making more money which would then lead to me being able to 1. get a car, 2. find a nice place for my family to live, 3. pay off some debt. I could also go to school hassle free.
Sadly, I don’t have much help so every day I feel stuck in a place I don’t want to be. Like a useless tango which involves me doing nothing at all. Making no moves to follow my heart, discover my dreams, and live.
Then again, maybe I should just kill myself again, work and work, never sleep, go to school and just do it. Maybe I’m just full of shit.
Or maybe I’m just tired of trying so hard and reaching nowhere.
Really, I just want to start living. I just want to know what that feels like.