Disgusted

Lately I can’t help but feel the same way I felt after I was raped. Dirty. Disgusted. Confused. Used. I feel like my husband has no respect for me.

One night, about four years ago, my husband and his friend were drinking at our condo. My husband got too drunk and I had to put him to bed upstairs. I wasn’t going to let his friend drive home so I went to check on him and to also grab a bottle for my daughter. He slid his hand on my ass and then proceeded to text me that it sucks that my husband would wake up if he fucked me. The next day, after he left, I showed my husband the text message. They stopped talking after that.

My husband and I started going to marriage counseling this year. It’s been going ok. We still have ups and downs but at least we are actively working on it. In one of the sessions my husband mentioned several times how he has no friends.

Initially when I reached out to his old friend for my husband I felt bad. I thought my husband could use a buddy and since he randomly started rapping what better person than his old rap buddy, since they used to do that all the time. You see I forgave his friend for what happened in the past because I just figured he was drunk.

They started hanging out again and ever since I have had just a bad feeling in my gut about the friendship. They are so different, and it is apparent when they are together. His friend is single with no children or major responsibilities, drinks almost every day, and has no respect for his girlfriend. My husband is married with children, drinks occasionally.. etc. Ever since they started hanging out again, my husband has slowly started to act like his friend.

The last time we saw his friend they were drinking in our apartment. I was on the couch watching tv and his friend came up to me and said “I should let Gabe fuck my girlfriend and I can fuck you.” Later on that night he slapped my ass right in front of my husband. My husband didn’t say a word.

The next morning, I told him what his friend had said. I asked him why he didn’t say anything to him when he smacked my ass. He doesn’t seem to care. He said he would talk to him but he hasn’t mentioned it. They still just talk about nonsense and rap and drink way too much together.

I’m sick over this. I feel like my husband thinks this is OK. Its not. What can I do? Every time I bring it up he just changes the subject or just shrugs his shoulders. I am extremely uncomfortable with this friend, and now I feel uncomfortable around my husband. =(

Please feel free to leave me some suggestions. We don’t have therapy until Wednesday and I have emailed the therapist. I just don’t know if I can wait that long.

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23 comments

  1. I don’t know what to tell you except that it sounds like you’ve done what you can with your husband. You’ve told him how you feel. A lot of what you’ve described over the years suggests, to me at least, that your husband may have self-esteem issues. Maybe he’s afraid if he pushes back on this with his friend, he’ll lose him as a friend again and he’s afraid of that. Yes, he should put you ahead of that friendship because you’re his wife and the mother of his children, but … he doesn’t know how to do it.

    I’m rambling.

    • I agree with you. He definitely has some self-esteem issues. Personally I wouldn’t care if he lost this particular friend but I am trying (very hard) to be a supportive wife and not kill his friendship. However I am disgusted with this. Then after writing this post I read a text between the two of them that just made me more sick. ugh…

      • My dear, you’ll be surprised to see/hear others who have gone through a lot far more than your life experience. Mistakes are meant to teach us certain things, learn from them. Don’t dwell in the past, keep keeping on. Fighters in life are natural born winners…Relax, your best days is here and NOW. Cheers Dearie.

      • Just curious but how can you sit there and say that my best days are here and now? Is this really what I have to live for? In an abusive relationship both physically and emotionally but its my best days? Repeatedly reliving my rape because of some unknown trigger but these are my best days? Not being able to provide for my children and on the verge of losing my home but these are my best days?
        Call me selfish but I don’t care about what others have gone through that is more than my “life experience” because I’ve had a pretty shitty time at this whole living thing and anyone who has it worse.. I feel so completely sorry for them. However all I see right now is the here and now and trust me I’ve had some best days. These aren’t them.

      • Was simply encouraging you…nothing is difficult for God to do. HE can change someone’s life in a day… Your best days can begin today and even now if you believe it.

  2. This is absolutely horrible-I’m so sorry this happened.
    It’s made worse by the fact that he won’t discuss this with
    you…if you don’t acknowledge something’s wrong-you
    can’t fix it. I really wish I had an answer to this problem…

    • Our story runs longer than this post. Thank you though. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge the many wrongs in our relationship, I choose to work on them or ignore them. Not an easy fix in sight unfortunately.

    • I was strong up until Sunday. I’m breaking slowly now and it’s tough. A lot has happened since this post. How sad it was only 21 days ago I posted that. How things have changed since then. Read my most recent posts to understand. Thank you.

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