A Storm is Brewing

The signs are there and this time I can’t ignore them. He’s angry. He’s cruel. He’s throwing things and slamming doors. Punching walls and doors. The next thing on his hit list will be me. Every single time it’s the same sequence of events. Anger leading to childish tantrum like behavior leading to violence. I don’t know how to break the cycle. I feel it coming too. Deep within me there is something yelling at me telling me to run. I stay of course because somewhere in my twisted mind I’m thinking he will snap out of it. I have a feeling I’ve thought that before

The thing is I don’t think I will let it happen again. I don’t think I will let him hurt me in front of my kids. After seeing the damage it has done to my daughter, who is so young and deserves so much more, I think this would be he final time. How fucked up does that sound? I know it’s coming but I just don’t get up and leave now. Wow. I’m stupid. 

I thought, especially with the marriage counseling, that we had passed this hurdle in our relationship. I thought we had moved beyond the violence. The name calling is still there sometimes but one step at a time right? I fear it’s just a matter of time, maybe days, until he storm that is my husband explodes. 

I know one thing is for sure.  This time… I see the signs. This time… I feel it brewing. This time… I’m ready. This time… I’m done. 

When I try to talk about this he merely pushes me away saying I need to check myself. On a side note: I have been battling depression for years and have reached a moment of extreme depression in my life. Also I have new found anxiety that pops up whenever it feels like it. I am not using that as an excuse. I just wish he could be more empathic towards me as I struggle with myself. 

Until next time. 
  

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