“Hi Lance,” I said as my heart skipped a few beats. It had been years since I heard his voice and even though we ended on not so great terms, just hearing him gave me chills. I don’t know why. The feelings have been gone for so long, the memories hard to remember. Sigh. Your first love is someone you probably never forget, no matter how time passes by.
“Vanessa?” I could tell by his tone he was shocked and happy to hear from me. I couldn’t tell if that was good or bad. I couldn’t even tell you why I was calling him. After so long I don’t know what I wanted or expected. Was he ok? Was he happy? How was his life going after me? I don’t know what I wanted. But I did know I should probably say something before the conversation reached the silent awkward stage…
“Hey stranger,” I said letting out the breath I had been holding since he answered.
“Wow. How are you? Whats up?”
What was up with me? I hadn’t a clue. Why am I calling again? “Not much,” I managed to say. “Um, I thought I saw you the other day and I don’t know. I guess I figured I’d call and see how you were.” Partly true. I did think I had seen him the other day but I still had no clue why I was calling.
“Oh really, that’s cool. It’s been a long time.”
Yeah. A really long time. Like four years of a long time. The thing was though that it wasn’t four years of not thinking about him. I still thought about him here and there. I dreamt of him once in a while. I looked him up on Facebook maybe twice. Or more. Who counts those things anyway.
“Yes. it has.” I was already running out of things to say. “So what are you up to?”
“I’m just hanging out here at the house. You should come through.”
I should definitely NOT come through. SO why did I want to? Why did I want to see the man who caused me so much pain at one point. Who broke my heart into a million pieces. When I left, I left a part of that broken heart with him. Like I said, who really forgets their first love?
“Oh. Yeah? When?” Why in all that’s holy was I even entertaining the idea? I’m going to hell.
“Now duh,” he laughed. “Come on. I want to see you.”
That’s the thing. He always wanted to see me but did I really want to see him? Obviously a part of me does since I am sitting here on the phone entertaining the idea of seeing him.
“Ok. I’m at the mall but sure I’ll swing by after.”
“Alright girl. Let me know when you’re here.”
What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing????!?!?!?!?!!?!