Change

Change is inevitable. Whether it happens directly to us or around us it’s happening. Every year I see new apartment complexes going up where trees once stood. Or someone buys out the deli down the block and you see the “under new management” sign outside. Spring turns to summer and so on and so forth. I’ve been through a lot of change this year and it’s only March.

I decided not to make any resolutions this year because one, I’d probably forget about them or two, I just wouldn’t stick to it. The only thing that stuck in my head as I slept through the ball drop was that I am so tired of living the way I’m living. Check to check, never setting aside time to have fun with my family or my friends, never going out, never going anywhere. I want to live. So I’ve taken steps to do that. 

First, normally I am a pretty blunt person. Since I’ve decided I’m done wipe try bullshit my bluntness meter has gone sky high off the charts. Doesn’t bother me however I have lost a friend or two along the way. 
Second, I’ve started writing a book. Really started. I’m in the process of waiting for my computer to come in the mail so that I can really sit down and write. I figure since I won’t be working for a while (another change) I can write more. My kids go to bed early so that should give me plenty of time to do the things I love to do for me.. Writing, reading, maybe learn a new hobby or skill. Figure out a business idea. Who knows where this journey I’ve ventured on will take me. All I know is I am excited for the road ahead.
But it hasn’t been all tulips and daisies. On the plus side my husband and I started marriage counseling and slowly the counseling has made minor positive effects into our marriage. I don’t feel as if I want to leave him because finally he is trying to be better. He even admitted that he enjoys our sessions. He opens up so much in there, which is something I have deeply missed about him. Who knows. Maybe we can spark our love again. 

Also on a positive note, my husband got a great job working as a supervisor at a college. He’s excited and I love to see him so happy. He’s making more money and I think he will enjoy the responsibility that comes with the position. However his shift is overnight which leads me to my current conundrum… I work overnight. We can’t both work overnight. I have tried to find a different shift in the hospital for a while now but nothing yet. As of today I am on a much needed medical leave. Ever since I started working overnights a year ago, my health (diabetes) has significantly declined. I need to take care of myself now. 

It’s good that I’ll be home though. My daughter has some behaviorisl and anxiety issues and I know my presence will help her. I’ve been trying to educate myself on ways to help her overcome. Hopefully something clicks soon. We are having her evaluated soon to see what she could benefit from. 

Though there seem to be so many positives of me taking back the stay at home mom role, I hate to say that I’m actually pretty unhappy about it. Of course I love my children and am more than happy for my husband getting his new job but I feel like I am going to lose myself. I like working. Not just to work and make money but to be honest it is probably the only real time I socialize. I am Going to miss some of my coworkers and I really hope we can keep in touch. 

I am so much more than just a wife and mom. I guess I just feel like if I stay home I will lose who I am. And that is something I am completely unwilling to do. I am here. Don’t lose me just yet. 
  

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2 comments

  1. There are all sorts of ways you can still hold on to some of your independence and social life. I hope you take this time to explore yourself, re-strengthen your marriage, be the best mom you can be, and find a way to live your life the best way possible. That your husband is now making more money and you can afford to take this time off — don’t regret that, use it to your advantage.

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