advice · help · husband · love · relationships · stuck · troubled · Uncategorized

Help me help him

  

My husband is a good man. He comes with anger issues that are impossible for me to work through on my own. Where does his anger stem from? Every counselor I’ve spoken to says it stems from childhood. When I ask him, he doesn’t know. 

What options do we have to help him control his anger? Especially when it becomes physical.

I almost called the cops the last time. I never have and this last time is still taking a lot for me to process. I’m constantly finding myself crying alone, unsure what to do. I don’t go to the cops for the following reasons…

  1. I don’t think jail is going to be good therapy for his anger. I want to help him, not punish him. 
  2. He’s a good father and if I go to the authorities he may not be able to see our children. He attacked me while I was holding our 1 year old and directly in front of our 4 year old. 
  3. I love him despite this. 

Call me dumb. Call me stupid. Call me whatever you like. I know this is wrong. I know that it is not my fault and I know it is not ok. 

So what other options do I have? I feel like I have none. And I have no one to talk to about it. I have only myself. 

I wish the right thing to do would just happen. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. 

Oh boy. What am I to do? I find myself constantly debatin if I should just go the police route. And then I see him. Beneath the anger and the violence I still see the man I fell in love with. The man I’ve always loved. He’s still there beneath the surface. 

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11 thoughts on “Help me help him

  1. YOU are not his mother. YOU do not have the ability to fix him. YOU are worth more than to be used as the mirror someone holds up for a sparring partner to take jabs at. YOU have the absolute responsibility to protect your children, even from their father. YOU can not risk him losing control and having your children witness something worse than they already have.
    What would you have done, had he jerked you the wrong way and your child fell and was hurt from it? Suffered brain damage from it? Broke a bone and was taken away by child protection services? IMAGINE the ‘what if’s’ and remember that by doing nothing you are endangering not only yourself but ALSO the lives of your babies!
    Your options? Write down everything that you can recall as far as dates and incidents where physical – mental – emotional abuse happened. Talk to your Doctor as things need to be documented, just in case. Call a crisis management hotline. Email a local woman’s shelter. Contact his immediate family and advise them what has happened. Advise your husband that he is to immediately start anger management classes and to get counselling. Mandatory. If he doesn’t then you are OBLIGATED to report any abuse he mets out because it is a safety issue for your children as well as yourself and if you won’t do it for you, then do it for them. If he is the good man you believe him to be, then he will get help. If he doesn’t then he isn’t and you are risking your children’s life because you choose to believe in someone who is abusing you over your responsibility to protect your children. He may not hurt them directly, as his anger seems to be directed towards you, but are you willing to take that risk? You can love someone and still make the choice to do what’s best for your family, which means removing them from your life until they are able to earn the right to be back in it. That privilege comes with 100% compliance to not harming the person they say they love. Ever. Once was once too many times. Do not make any permanent decisions until your baby is 18 months old, but for the love of your kids, get him out of the house to get the help he clearly needs before h does something he’ll regret the rest of his life. Something you could have stopped simply by forcing him to face his ugly anger issues.

    1. His mother knows about the abuse. Either she thinks it’s ok or she thinks I’m delusions. Either way his family could care less. Every incident has been written down. I have photos. I have witnesses. He tried anger management. It didn’t help but to make him worse. I do not want to throw him in jail. He will not get the help he needs there but to be honest he doesn’t think he needs help. I feel stuck.

      1. exactly. YOU are stuck not him. Get out. Now. You are an abused wife. Your children are witnessing it and learning from it. If you stay, if you allow it, it will get worse. Not better. He is not capable of changing by himself or he would have done it already and YOU are not a trained psychotherapist. YOUR job is to keep your children safe and by staying you are endangering them. You’d rather have you or your kids go to the hospital then put him in jail? Really? That’s your choice?!
        NO.
        Part of being a mother is making hard choices and it’s your job to put the kids first before your abusive husband. If you choose to endanger them by staying then YOU are responsible, even under civil and criminal law, if anything happens to them because you were complicit in staying. Get out now. Support him in getting help if he chooses but get out.

      2. I think I’m scared to leave. When I think about why I’m waiting for him to change and make a move or a difference nothing makes sense but my fear. I’m afraid for him. I’m afraid for me. I’m afraid for my kids. They adore their dad and I don’t want to take him away from them. And if I do what do I tell my daughter when she asks where her daddy is. Or she says she misses him. Then I think ok well how do I go from our two incomes to one? Who’s going to help me with the kids? I have no one. I have nothing. I’m alone. And that terrifies me. What if I can’t make it on my own? What if I fail? My whole life has been a huge path of failure. Mistake after mistake. Like I’m incapable of doing what is right. How do I recover from this? Where do I go from here?
        Fear holds me back. Fear keeps me here. Fear leaves me immovable.

      3. stop it.
        physical abuse is real.
        you are in danger.
        answer your daughter truthfully. Daddy is working on getting better at being a better Daddy so he’s not so angry anymore. Have supervised visits in public settings with other people present. And nothing changes income wise. He supports you and the kids. He just lives elsewhere until he gets help. You aren’t leaving him. You are keeping your kids safe.

  2. I went back a bit on your posts because I wanted to find out more about what led to where you are at now. This is tough for me, because I grew up seeing abuse (I thought for sure one or both of my parents would end up dead after their fights). As a result, I have avoided conflict at all costs, which resulted in a whole other set of problems. I also had an angry spouse, but he never laid a hand on me because he knew that would be it. However, he was aggressive toward our children. Usually, it would be yelling obscenities at them which was a regular occurrence, but other times it would progress to physical contact. There was never bruises or anything like that, but I will never forget the feeling I had when someone witnessed my ex cursing at our then three-year-old and hitting him with a hanger in a store parking lot. I panicked. I told him to stop because a lady was staring and would probably call the cops. It took me nine more years before I finally left. I was torn… kids need their dad… but what would that exposure do to them? Would they grow up to be angry and behave as they saw their father behave?

    Bottom line is, I believe if your husband wants to address his anger issues, he will, and he can change- but it’s not easy. If he can’t/won’t change, that is the problem. The fact is, the marriage relationship affects more than just us – what we do forever affects our kids and that is a HUGE burden and makes the stay vs. leave decision all the more difficult. We hear all the time how divorce damages our children. I think it does, but anger and abuse also damages them… so we’re left to figure out which is the lesser of the evils. It’s such a hard decision that we’re forced to make in the midst of so much emotion.

    Anyway, sorry for the rambling here. You’re in my prayers.

    1. Thank you. You know I used to believe that divorce would hurt my family more than help it but after last nights event (which I will probably write about later today) I am convinced this is the best thing for my children and I.

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