Before I got pregnant with my first born, I was mourning the loss of a baby I would never get to meet. A baby who’s gender is unknown to me, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is there has not been a day that has gone by that I don’t think of that baby. Its strange to miss someone you’ve never seen or talked to; someone you’ve never touched. I do. Every day.
The pain of losing a baby is a pain so heavy and unique, it’s hard for others to understand if they themselves have not experienced it –
That is true. When I lost m baby I felt so alone. No one around me could say anything to make me feel OK.
I knew I was pregnant and I knew I was the only one who wanted me to keep my baby. My parents thought I should abort it and my husband agreed though he didn’t tell me that at first. I was never going to do that. You see, here is something most people don’t know about me. When I was 18 I had gotten pregnant for the first time by NY husband, who at the time wasn’t technically my boyfriend but that’s a story for another time. As soon as I told him he told me I better have an abortion. I agreed and spent every night until the day we had it sobbing myself to sleep. I cried every night for a long time after. So when confronted with my family to have an abortion I immediately shut down the idea.
In the end , the choice wasn’t left up to me. I woke up one morning with blood on my bed and horrible cramps. I was taken to the hospital never thinking my baby was in danger. As I layer on the sono techs bed and she put the machine to listen I never thought we’d hear it…. Silence. My baby , about 8 weeks along, didn’t have a heartbeat. I knew the truth but I stayed hopeful, thinking my doctor could do something about it. Fix it somehow. He couldn’t. They took my baby from me and I have yet to recover.
I spiraled into a major depression after that, thought it was hard to tell on the outside. Once I found out I was pregnant with my daughter , though I was happy I was sad also. I was terrified of losing her too.
I am extremely blessed with my beautiful daughter and son. I cherish them with my whole heart.
But even with all the love I have for my amazing children, nothing will replace the losses I have suffered, and only a mother who has gone through the same thing could understand that.