Dear Gabriel

Dear Gabriel,

I’m going to pretend for a moment that you are actually reading this. I am going to pretend that you actually care. I’m going to pretend that you aren’t so cold and that this is going to help you see what has become of me. I love you. Even after all the abuse and hate and anger I feel from you I love you. Call me stupid, call me crazy, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the way I feel. I haven’t had an extremely tough life, but I’ve had my battles. I’ve fought through them and here I am today, lost and alone. I’ve been lonely most of my life, I’ve realized, but never as lonely as I am when I am with you. That’s sad. To be lonely when you are WITH someone, it’s hard. There seems to be no common ground between us. You’ve lost your ability to feel emotion and I’ve lost my ability to stay strong in the midst of the storm. I find myself crying daily now, always when you’re not around. Because I don’t want you to be angry with me, I hide my tears. I hide behind a smile.

You make me feel as if you do not care about me, or about us, You could leave me and be fine. I could leave you and still you would be fine. That hurts, Shouldn’t you feel something if we were to part? Shouldn’t you care just a little bit? Maybe I’m crazy but I think yes, you should.

I feel no anger towards you. I’m just concerned. I’m frightened and lost and don’t know where to turn. Most of all I’m sad. When I’m sad I look to you to make everything all better. How can I do that now when you’re whats causing me to cry.

The other day you were gone, all day. I know you say you were out alone but it’s hard to believe that. So now not only am I sad and lonely, I’m self concious too. We seem to be in an endless cycle of hurting eachother and I am jumping off the train.

I know I can be a bitch, like you like to call me. I know I can be unreasonable and I know you don’t understand me most of the time. I apologize for it.

Where do we go from here? I don’t know. All I know is I can’t keep feeling this way

and I can’t keep feeling that you don’t care.

Because I’m losing the ability to smile through the pain. I’m losing the strength I had that keeps me going throughout the day. I’m losing more and more of myself.

And in the end, you are going to be the one losing me. I wonder, how would that feel for you? Or would you feel anything?

Anything?

Are you capable of feeling anymore?

Do you understand how low I am now? How much what you say hurts me? To say I am a POS or to tell me that I am pathetic because I write… why must you be so hurtful?

Can you see me anymore?

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2 thoughts on “Dear Gabriel

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