Every month I would wait for the 25th and every month I was disappointed. The amount of doctors I had seen this past year would make you cringe. Ten different fertility doctors, six different gyno’s, four primary care specialists, all with the same diagnoses. We do not know why you are having trouble getting pregnant. Every visit was the same. A sonogram, some blood work, urine test, etcetera… etcetera… etcetera. And every test would come back with the same result… you are perfectly fine. So why was I having such a problem? I wasn’t stressed, I excercised moderately, I ate organic everything, I was having sex at least four nights a week, my husbands sperm count was right on target. Some would say I was trying to hard. Well today is the 25th. The day I dread most every month and as I walk to the bathroom to check if I have my monthly visitor or not I come to the realization that I am done. I am done trying and trying to have a baby and I am done getting disappointed every month. If it’s meant to be it would happen right? Isn’t that what they say? God’s will or some other bullshit that I just don’t want to hear. Well, let me tell you no more disappointment. Sitting on the toilet the tears are slowly coming down my face. No monthly visitor. Weird for me but I am NOT going to get my hopes up. I slide open the pregnancy test and let the packaging crinkle in my hand imagining it is instead my breaking heart that I’m crumpling and throwing into the waste basket. Pee on the stick… check. Slide cap back on and wait two minutes. These are always the longest minutes of my life and I always time it to a tee. Tick tock tick tock. The dreaded moment is here. Where I look at the test and see the negative symbol. You are not pregnant. I don’t want to look. “Ok, you can do this,” I whisper to myself. I peer at the stick…..