It follows me. Everywhere I go there it is, lurking, right over my shoulder. Sometimes it presents itself in the most inopportune moments and then BAM! I walk right into it. It’s a game of cat and mouse, and I’m the mouse. I can’t hide from it for long, nor can I completely escape it. It consumes me at times and I’m swallowed with enormous regret. I should have done this, or I shouldn’t have done that. Where would I be then if I did do this or didn’t do that? I lost my chance at knowing that a long long time ago. I’m twenty-five now, however my past won’t let me go. Mistakes I made from as long as ten years ago are always right in line with me. It’s like I can never get away.
I hate it when people say that life isn’t easy. Well, duh, life isn’t easy. It’s hard, brutal at times, but worth every second. What have you done to warrant an easy life? You got straight A’s? Ok. That’s great. You volunteered at last years clothing drive? Awesome. Who are you, though, to think that YOUR life should be any easier than anyone else’s? It all comes down to choices, and faith, and believing in yourself even when the entire world is against you. You have the power to create your own destiny. You also have the power to destroy it.
I don’t believe I’ve completely ruined my life. Of course I’ve made more mistakes than I care to admit. Obviously I wish I did a little more with myself before now. I can’t change the past. I can’t change the past. I CAN’T CHANGE THE PAST. The future is up for grabs. It’s hard though. Nearly impossible it seems.
Education. I love learning and if I could be a student for the rest of my life I’d be more than content. It comes at a cost and that cost is called STUDENT LOANS. It’s ridiculous how much money they each want per month. You can’t escape them. You can try, for a little while, maybe even a few years. They catch up to you in the end, and of course make your life much more difficult. I would love to finish my degree. I’d love to go back to school and learn and put my brain to some use…. but I can’t. I can’t because I messed up the first time. I took it for granted and went on and off for a few years, barely accumulating any credits. Now I’m left with thousands of dollars of loans and absolutely nothing to show for it. I tried to just push them off for a few years. That was another mistake. Because I thought I could push them back and push them back I’ve not only added to my loans, I’ve gotten in such a debt that I can’t even finish my degree any time soon. I have to pay off a certain amount before I can ever get back into college, loan or not. Fair? Well I guess it may be fair. I messed up. I’m paying for it, and with more than my paychecks.
Integrity. Sometimes I wish I could get hypnotized to forget certain parts of my past. I want to forget that I ever met this guy, I want to forget I ever worked at this club, I want to forget that I hung out with these people which led to certain events that no woman should have to endure. Most of the time I sit wishing and wanting to just forget. Who would I be if these things never happened, I think. Or who would I be if it were possible to get hypnotized into forgetting all these negative things from my life? Would I, if given the chance, make the same mistakes again? How could I learn from those mistakes if I am led to believe that I never made them in the first place? There it is again. My past biting me in the ass. It never fully fades either. A smell, the strongest sense tied to memory, will bring it crashing down on me. A song perhaps. It’s always there and always taunting me.
The other thing is it seems that those closest to me won’t let me forget my past either. My parents are a constant reminder of how I failed, and they don’t even notice it. Their snide remarks or small sayings are always a giant index finger pointing right into my face. A finger I can’t get away from or push away.
The future is boring down on me. I have some tough decisions to make in the upcoming months and I’m drowning. I’ll get through it, I always do. And right when I’m crossing the finish line there it will be. Staring me in the eyes. A constant reminder of the things I’ve done and the times I’ve failed. My past. Its haunting me.