Unexpected Difficulty: Unbalanced

This pregnancy differs from that of my first in so many ways. If I wasn’t so nauseous all the time I honestly wouldn’t think I’m pregnant. With my daughter, I felt pregnant before I even found out. With my first pregnancy I was never nauseous, constantly tired, mostly happy for no reason all the time, and didn’t stress easily. It was smooth and quick. The only difficulty was the day I went into labor, supposedly because of either high blood pressure or the fight between my husband and I that left me with the high blood pressure. Four whole days of labor and finally they decided she didn’t want to come out and they went in and brought her out.

 

This time is so different. I am sick all the time. Though I’m not vomiting the feeling of nauseousness rarely leaves me. I noticed today that I am in a constant battle with my emotions. I stress very easily. Today, Ariana was a feisty little two year old and when she awoke from her nap was screaming and crying. She wouldn’t accept her juice cup, wouldn’t let me hold her, it was like nothing I could try to do could soothe her. I felt entirely helpless and wound up becoming hysterical and crying into her pillow. She calmed down eventually and willing came to me finally allowing me to soothe her. But I can’t help but notice how often I feel so entirely overwhelmed and tragic. I argue with my husband and I feel like curling into a ball. Ariana is giving me a problem and again I want to curl into a ball. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time right? Then why am I so sad?

 

Granted, this pregnancy was not planned. It was completely unexpected and I will admit that I did not want to be pregnant right now. All that changed when I went to my first doctors appointment and heard the baby’s heart beat. It all slipped into place for me. Is it because I was so depressed right before getting pregnant that makes me such an emotional mess? Or is it just the pregnancy?

 

I feel so lost and alone all of the time. I still haven’t told my family and only my closest friend knows (only because I had to cancel Margarita night and our massage). Maybe once my parents know I will be better able to cope with my emotions.  

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One comment

  1. Maybe it’s all of those things and more. Things you can’t even express. Maybe it’s just that this one isn’t as “easy” as the first was at this point in the process. But stick with it and stay strong. You’ll get through this.

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