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If Only Life Were Simple

It’s different this time. I don’t know why but I feel different this time. I’m feeling low and I want to cry and I want to scream and I want to disappear and I want to be seen. It makes no sense.

Every single time he’s been aggressive towards me and put his hands on me, I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. I couldn’t convince myself I didn’t love him or I didn’t need him and as soon as the next day or the next hour I’d be back in his arms as if

nothing ever happened.

I’m feeling such anxiety tonight, in my chest, in my head… Like I can’t breathe and I can’t get my heart to stop beating so erratically. I have so many thoughts in my head and I’m having trouble with this post right now. I have so much I want to say and I just cant get it all out of my head and onto my screen. It’s beginning to make me feel sick and the fact that I just ate dinner isn’t helping. I want to vomit.

I feel so completely alone. No one knows what I’ve struggled with, no one knows my story other than you. My readers. People who I’ve never met in person and rarely converse with but I’ve opened my heart to you. I hear your advice and your prayers and your thoughts. I’m still stuck it seems, and always alone.

My husband has taken the first step into getting help. Besides semi admitting he has a problem (I say semi because he still excuses it or acts as if nothing happened when he can), he has searched for a place to go to anger management counseling. To some, that may seem like nothing but to me, it is a BIG something. He has never ever once tried to get help. Never has he tried to find a place to go to get help or counseling. He searched and found a place semi close to home and a place by his job.

I’ve got myself into the horrible habit of mentioning the other night randomly and it unnerves him and makes him upset. I don’t mean to bring it up but like I said, this time it’s different. Or maybe I’m different. I’m not sure but something is up. So today, we were driving to the dojo and I don’t know what came over me but I had to ask if he had made an appointment. His answer to my question made me want to jump out of the car. He said he never has time to go.

Well… hold on right there a minute.

You never have time to go?

But you have time to push me, hit me, bruise me, be mean to me, curse at me, and call me names.

But you don’t have time to go.

Sorry. I need to repeat this one more time.

YOU

DON’T

HAVE

TIME

TO

GO

GET

HELP.

Well, see that’s ridiculous I say. Of course you have time. I could even take you on the weekends. To which he replied, Yeah you’re right.

The thing is we need more to happen for this relationship to work. But this time, I’m not so sure I want it to work. I honestly don’t want him to touch me most of the time. And on the rare occasion that I do allow it, it’s mostly because that’s a part of me. Affection is a constant in my life whether I’m giving or receiving it. I need him to get help and I need us to go to marriage counseling so desperately. He’s losing me at a rapid rate that I find I’m afraid that by the time he makes an effort, I won’t care anymore.

If only life were simple….

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19 thoughts on “If Only Life Were Simple

  1. I am so, so sorry you are going through this.

    Do you have a therapist or counselor that you see? Do you have a place to go if you need to leave quickly?

  2. So, that he made the effort to find a place is a BIG deal. Huge. But it needs follow-up. Basically, it’s this. If the marriage means anything to him, if you mean anything to him, he’ll find the time. He has to.

    1. Honestly I am past the point of that. I want him to get the help for HIM. Not for me? Not for our marriage. To better himself and to help himself.
      And then I start thinking I want more than he is capable of giving. I know you midget understand that concept =/

  3. I am really horrified to read this. I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I sincerely hope that you find the strength to decide what’s best for you, and what’s right for you. No one deserves to live like this. Please, please be safe and always value yourself. You deserve so much more.

      1. Sometimes they do not love themselves enough, hence this is why they could allow themselves to ‘descend’ into such a state. Sometimes they need to realise they are really hurting the people they love the most. And if they don’t realise this, then the people they claim to love the most would need to decide for themselves, for their own survival. Peace 🙂

  4. It is so hard to make life changing choices. In the past I have experienced abusive relationships, but I never opened up about because people just didn’t understand. They didn’t understand how I could stay with someone like that, someone who hurt me and didn’t have my best interests in mind. I hope that you can find what works for you and your family whatever the choice might be.

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