It’s different this time. I don’t know why but I feel different this time. I’m feeling low and I want to cry and I want to scream and I want to disappear and I want to be seen. It makes no sense.
Every single time he’s been aggressive towards me and put his hands on me, I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. I couldn’t convince myself I didn’t love him or I didn’t need him and as soon as the next day or the next hour I’d be back in his arms as if
nothing ever happened.
I’m feeling such anxiety tonight, in my chest, in my head… Like I can’t breathe and I can’t get my heart to stop beating so erratically. I have so many thoughts in my head and I’m having trouble with this post right now. I have so much I want to say and I just cant get it all out of my head and onto my screen. It’s beginning to make me feel sick and the fact that I just ate dinner isn’t helping. I want to vomit.
I feel so completely alone. No one knows what I’ve struggled with, no one knows my story other than you. My readers. People who I’ve never met in person and rarely converse with but I’ve opened my heart to you. I hear your advice and your prayers and your thoughts. I’m still stuck it seems, and always alone.
My husband has taken the first step into getting help. Besides semi admitting he has a problem (I say semi because he still excuses it or acts as if nothing happened when he can), he has searched for a place to go to anger management counseling. To some, that may seem like nothing but to me, it is a BIG something. He has never ever once tried to get help. Never has he tried to find a place to go to get help or counseling. He searched and found a place semi close to home and a place by his job.
I’ve got myself into the horrible habit of mentioning the other night randomly and it unnerves him and makes him upset. I don’t mean to bring it up but like I said, this time it’s different. Or maybe I’m different. I’m not sure but something is up. So today, we were driving to the dojo and I don’t know what came over me but I had to ask if he had made an appointment. His answer to my question made me want to jump out of the car. He said he never has time to go.
Well… hold on right there a minute.
You never have time to go?
But you have time to push me, hit me, bruise me, be mean to me, curse at me, and call me names.
But you don’t have time to go.
Sorry. I need to repeat this one more time.
Well, see that’s ridiculous I say. Of course you have time. I could even take you on the weekends. To which he replied, Yeah you’re right.
The thing is we need more to happen for this relationship to work. But this time, I’m not so sure I want it to work. I honestly don’t want him to touch me most of the time. And on the rare occasion that I do allow it, it’s mostly because that’s a part of me. Affection is a constant in my life whether I’m giving or receiving it. I need him to get help and I need us to go to marriage counseling so desperately. He’s losing me at a rapid rate that I find I’m afraid that by the time he makes an effort, I won’t care anymore.
If only life were simple….