Let Me Simply Explain

I have been struggling with the same problem for the past four years. Do I stay or do I go? Well, I’m still here and I’m still struggling. I’m not sure when I hit that moment of clarity where I knew that I must go I must stay, for now but know that eventually I will go. But I have hit it and it is what keeps me up at night.

I guess I’ve been waiting to be more financially stable. Being a single mom in NY has little advantages. I don’t want government help. I don’t want to be a statistic. So how can a full time working mother such as my self know freedom and happiness when money dictates that I stay in a falling apart marriage to a man who I sometimes love and sometimes loath and sometimes don’t know how I feel either way?

If I leave he will never be fully gone from my life. We have a daughter and I would never ever try to keep her from him. We are stuck together for life in my eyes. Can we be friends? I wish I could say yes but this I have come to doubt. When I’ve asked him how things could be if I did leave he will sulk and tell me that he would not want to see myself or our beloved daughter because it would shame him too greatly. He has in fact failed as a husband and is struggling as a father.

What am I waiting for? What is it that we as women wait for? Change? What the fuck is that! Not everyone is capable of change. Not many in fact even know where to start.

If I stay

I will know fleeting moments of happiness. I will know good sex. I will know glimpses of love. Can I have it all? Can I have my cake and eat it to? I would say yes but I stay…. and I wait… for what am I waiting for?

I guess I’m waiting for my heart to catch up to my mind.

If only love were simple.



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