And the cycle continues.

I thought for sure that I would be spending another holiday upset and uncomfortable. Well, I was right. Except surprisingly it had nothing to do with my aforementioned problems and more to do with my husband. I thought we were heading in the right direction but tonight I was proven completely wrong. He struggles with the urge to hit me. I didn’t think he did but something he said tonight confirmed my suspicion. And then he choked me anyway. Now what are you supposed to do with that? I did go into defense mode. I did hit him and push him. So who is the wrong one? I think we’re both wrong. But now with all this information what do I do now?

I have bruises on my arms and one on my neck. I’m sore and still struggling for breath. I’m slightly frightened and more worried than anything. What to do?

This is the ninth time in our five year relationship that his anger has led him to be physical with me. The last time was maybe a year or more ago. I’ve lost track. They all tend to blend together after a while.

I’m so distraught now. I thought we had moved passed this. I thought we had moved on to better things. Better ways to handle ourselves. I thought maybe he was finally becoming the man I know him to be. I guess I was wrong. And that hurts. Here I am, looking at a complete stranger. A stranger I have come to know too well. Where do we go from here?

I’m not even sure I love him anymore. I went a whole year wanting to be away from him. It wasn’t until recently that I fell in love with him again and decided to stay. This whole time thinking I made the right decision, but the devil is never too far is he.

I know how the rest of the night and week will play out. I know I don’t want to be the star in this series of events. Tomorrow it will be as if nothing happened, because that is how he wishes it to be. He lets these things go as if they have never happened. And I will cry myself to sleep, and I will sulk in silence, and I will cover my bruises, and hold whatever dignity I have left to the surface.

And the cycle continues.

I don’t read the future and maybe that is a reason why I stay. I struggled with that decision for so long and when I was finally convinced he had changed I let myself forget what it felt like to pretend. I don’t want to go through my life pretending. I want the real. I want the now. And maybe I want it with someone else or no one at all.

Money of course is always an issue and I don’t know how I could do this alone. Not right now. Not with nothing saved and no cash for babysitters etc.

And I let the cycle continue.

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