It’s Christmas Eve. and I’m alone on my bed. Silly thoughts keep entering my head. Does he love me? He couldn’t. If he did things would be different. Maybe I’m wrong. What’s the name of that song? Sigh. To be happy again. I thought I was happy. I mean I felt happy, very happy, but maybe it was all a lie. But I hate liars and I don’t lie about how I feel ever unless necessary but when is that even ever necessary? I don’t know anymore. I should have left him a long time ago but then where would I be? If I leave him now where does that leave me? What is that noise? I gave him his TV. He never said thank you. And today oh what a day today was. I have a screaming toddler with a double ear infection. I waited twenty minutes with her screaming to pick him up from the train. idk where the hell he was but he wasn’t there so I came home and lo and behold hello family. Whats up. Thanks for helping me get medicine into my daughter. Finally. She’s relaxed and calm and laying on her pull out couch and in walks this husband of mine cursing me out because its 35 degrees and he had to ride his bike. But I usually work nights so I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal and can he take a minute to just look at our baby and see how sick she is and listen to me when I tell you that she was screaming since 4 and it is now 6:45 and I just got her calmed down so that’s why I didn’t pick up the phone and yes dear you’ve yet again ruined another holiday for me. I dread tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it at all. And you are just so ignorant and cruel and you continue to be so cruel to me and I can’t help but sit and weep and you ignore my melodious cries and my prayers to God and you just continue being cruel. Maybe I’m just not thinking straight but is it too late for a divorce? What happens when you’re almost 25 and you’re getting divorced and your family isn’t supportive of it and you don’t want to share custody because your daughter is your life and remember when I got pregnant he didn’t even want me to keep the baby and when we brought her home he said he wished we never did this and he didn’t want to be a dad and I should have left you. i should have left you right there but I continued on in this ruse and sometimes I was happy but mostly I was sad and it was a whole year of me not giving a damn only to lead me her where your words are like acid on my heart and I’m not sure how much I have left to give. Now tonight again you curse because the baby is sick and is having trouble sleeping you yell at her and tell her to shut the fuck up and inside I want to smash your face in but instead I retreat to the bedroom and grab my lap top and write because if I wasn’t writing I’d be doing something destructive and I hate you truly. I hate what you bring out in me but most of all I hate the devil that you bring out in yourself.
Love, Your wife