Alone.. A little free thought on the Eve of Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve. and I’m alone on my bed. Silly thoughts keep entering my head. Does he love me? He couldn’t. If he did things would be different. Maybe I’m wrong. What’s the name of that song? Sigh. To be happy again. I thought I was happy. I mean I felt happy, very happy, but maybe it was all a lie. But I hate liars and I don’t lie about how I feel ever unless necessary but when is that even ever necessary? I don’t know anymore. I should have left him a long time ago but then where would I be? If I leave him now where does that leave me? What is that noise? I gave him his TV. He never said thank you. And today oh what a day today was. I have a screaming toddler with a double ear infection. I waited twenty minutes with her screaming to pick him up from the train. idk where the hell he was but he wasn’t there so I came home and lo and behold hello family. Whats up. Thanks for helping me get medicine into my daughter. Finally. She’s relaxed and calm and laying on her pull out couch and in walks this husband of mine cursing me out because its 35 degrees and he had to ride his bike. But I usually work nights so I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal and can he take a minute to just look at our baby and see how sick she is and listen to me when I tell you that she was screaming since 4 and it is now 6:45 and I just got her calmed down so that’s why I didn’t pick up the phone and yes dear you’ve yet again ruined another holiday for me. I dread tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it at all. And you are just so ignorant and cruel and you continue to be so cruel to me and I can’t help but sit and weep and you ignore my melodious cries and my prayers to God and you just continue being cruel. Maybe I’m just not thinking straight but is it too late for a divorce? What happens when you’re almost 25 and you’re getting divorced and your family isn’t supportive of it and you don’t want to share custody because your daughter is your life and remember when I got pregnant he didn’t even want me to keep the baby and when we brought her home he said he wished we never did this and he didn’t want to be a dad and I should have left you. i should have left you right there but I continued on in this ruse and sometimes I was happy but mostly I was sad and it was a whole year of me not giving a damn only to lead me her where your words are like acid on my heart and I’m not sure how much I have left to give. Now tonight again you curse because the baby is sick and is having trouble sleeping you yell at her and tell her to shut the fuck up and inside I want to smash your face in but instead I retreat to the bedroom and grab my lap top and write because if I wasn’t writing I’d be doing something destructive and I hate you truly. I hate what you bring out in me but most of all I hate the devil that you bring out in yourself.

Love, Your wife

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13 comments

  1. Christmas doesn’t change realities…you’re 25?…he is what he is, and it’s doubful that he will change. In a couple of hours, you’ll re-read the above and you’ll say to yourself, boy was I in a bad mood, and maybe you’ll have forgotten all the feelings you felt whilst you let your thoughts flow here in this post. You’ll find the bright moment and you’ll hold onto it like a drowning sailor does a lifesaver, until the next low moment, the next argument, another cold shower of negative emotions…and then you’ll live through it and go on again. I don’t know why this is true, I just know it is. We women since the beginning of time have thought this way. It’s what keeps marriages together, until that moment of maturation (as in the fruit is mature and ready to eat) comes (and it may never come) when we say…fuck it. It’s over…and you walk away and everone’s surprised…they never knew you felt that way…But however it works out, you’re a strong person and you’ll walk your road and love your daughter and will see her flower and grow to one day find her love and go on her own…and the cycle will continue. By now you should be ready for the carols and the dinner and a great warm blast of Christmas cheer! The devil inside you will go to sleep for awhile…but remember just one thing…it’s yours, look him in the eye ball and understand him, he’s just the mirror of your discontent and he’s there to help you identify what’s wrong so you can work the emotions out and move on in a postive way…where ever that road may be….it’s not a closed room. A warm embrace…

    • I seem to be thinking this way more and more often as his anger grows and grows and to be honest…. I know his anger is with himself. He even went so far as to tell me that its him and maybe he needs help. We shall see how much longer I continue to deal with his negativity and emotional and sometimes physical abuse. In the past relationships I have had I take and I take until one day I just up and leave leaving everyone shocked and surprised.

  2. A better comment than the one above doesn’t exist. She is so right, we women are wired to put up with a lot. For the sake of your sanity, get some rest and focus on the positive and bright side : your baby. May your day be merry and brighter. Remember, you always have us, your readers/followers 🙂

    • Thank you so much Natali… Yes we women put up with more than we should. I just continue to wonder how much more I will actually put up with. I never know until finally it hits me like.. fuck this. I’m done. We shall see.

  3. I wish there was something that I can say coming from a males point of view that would change everything for you but I have nothing. What I do have is support for you and your family. I once was similar to your husband and I know that it isn’t a feeling that anyone should have. I couldn’t agree more with the sincere comment that Bastet left. You have the power, the courage, the love to do what is best for you and your daughter.

    Men say that they will never understand a woman and this is true but most men don’t understand themselves. This is why some men do what they do. I was there, I did what I wanted to do and I didn’t understand myself and that it had a big affect on my marriage. It wasn’t until it was almost too late that I understood what I was doing and that was why I changed. In order for a man to change he has to see it, realize it and want it and there isn’t much that anyone could say for him to see it. Once I saw it and wanted to change the first thing that I had to do is to love myself. This is what I had to do in order to love others. If your husband doesn’t see it or want to change then there isn’t much you can do for him. Your are an important person yourself and you have to take care of your self and your daughter. Be strong and you will find your happiness that you so richly deserve.

    • Thank you B. Seriously. I don’t know how he views any of this because he won’t talk about it and then wants to act as if nothing ever happened. I try and I try to understand it but maybe I’m not meant to. I do what I have to do in order to survive in this struggling economy. Can I make it on my own? I want to say yes but honestly financially I am not so sure.

      • For a long time I acted like there was nothing wrong. It is hard for some to talk about it, me included, until it is too late or in my case almost too late. I don’t know if there is anything that can be said or done for someone to ask for help. I pray that you stay strong and I hope for the best.

      • I have no other choice than to be strong but that is something I am used to and do well. I’ve been through a lot in my short life and I’ve learned too much. I want him to get help but I know he has to want it. I want to be there for him while he gets help but truthfully I may be closer to my breaking point then I think.

      • I could only imagine what you are feeling and how strong you are. I was never strong and that is a part that held me back for so many years. I finally became strong when I asked for and got help. Even tough I do not like the way I was or what I have done I have been able to learn from it and I know you will learn more from all this as well. I was once at my breaking point and that is when I got help. I went to therapy, started writing and opened up. Just talking had done wonders for me. I know you will find a way to help yourself get further from that breaking point.

  4. Bastet shared some wise words above. A sick toddler, exhaustion and lack of support are the perfect storm for discontent. I’ve been married for nearly seventeen years, and I’m not going to lie – walking away has crossed my mind. I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t thought of it at one time or another. In your post, I feel so much sadness and resentment. Resentment is poison in a relationship. I’ve found that only when I can finally let something go, I can focus on the good rather than all the things that drive me insane. The thing that really concerns me about your situation is your husband’s seeming lack of desire to be a father. I don’t know how old your child is now, but if he hasn’t warmed to the idea, it’s not likely his heart will melt.

    Ultimately, you will have to decide what your breaking point is. It’s easier said than done, but your decision must be for you and your daughter- not what will satisfy your family or friends. No one else is living your life but you. Divorce is hard whether you’re 25, 40 or 60. It’s traumatic and painful no matter what. I hope you are able to talk through your concerns with your husband (a therapist or counselor might be able to help) so you can reach a decision and move towards a healing place.

    • I would love love love to talk about our issues with a therapist or counselor. it’s my husband who is opposed to the idea. He likes to rage on and then act as if nothing happened which I can not stand. He seems to love being a father at times but whenever she’s fussy or discontent he curses up a storm and yells and I can’t tell you how much it breaks my heart. Maybe I shouldn’t have made him a father. My daughter is two now. She is a bundle of joy, always with a smile on her face and is a mommy’s girl through and through. My heart will tell me when it is time to move on. I’m the queen of giving the men of my life second third and fourth chances.

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