Dear Bobbi Jean,
I’m getting married sunday to my high school sweet heart. We’ve been together for nine years and I am so happy. I woke up this morning to a voice mail from my boss saying that I got selected for a rather high position in Europe of all places and it starts in January. Starts in January. Well the problem is my soon to be husband isn’t fond of the idea of moving to Europe. He likes the Boston life and though I know we would do fabulous in Europe he disagrees. Do I continue with this wedding or live out my dream and go to Europe?
Worldly and confused.
Dear Wordly and confused,
Get your ass to Europe! So what your sweet heart doesn’t want to go. Well guess what. TOO BAD! How many times in a life time are you offered a chance like this?! NOT THAT MANY! Grab your horse by the reins and go woman! He doesn’t want to follow you then I am sorry to say but he must NOT be the man for you. A good man stands by his woman, not in her way. Besides, I hear men from Europe are fantastic!
Hey Miss Bobbi Jean
I’ve been married to my wife for seven whole years and they have been the wonder years. She cooks, cleans, and takes care of our young sons amazingly. I come home and dinner is ready and she even massages me before bed. But it’s over. I came home the other day and I just knew I had to get out. How do I tell the woman I’ve been married to for these long years that it’s over between us and I have to move on and pursue my dream of being a bull rider?
Yeehaw! haha… ok. Well let’s see. This is a tough question and takes a little thought and finesse. Here’s what you should do…
Step 1: How dare your wife cook your meals every day. Doesn’t she know your a cowboy who just wants to be riding bulls instead of coming home to a house with dinner already made! SMACK YOURSELF ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
Step 2: Riding bulls is funner than riding your wife I assume? Well its called SEX EDUCATION! Get your cowboy ass to the library and take out the big book of sex positions. It’s got over 300 positions none of which you can do with a bull.
Step 3: Apologize to your wife for ever dreaming of leaving her.
If the above steps do not work in your favor I remind you to continue to repeat step one with a hammer until the message sinks in clear.
Always, Bobbi J.
Dear Bobbi Jean,
My sister has always stolen from me. When we were young she would steal my barbies. When we got older she would steal my boyfriends. She stole my first husband right off the altar! I’m getting married again to a lovely bloke. How do I keep her hands to herself!
Signed, Slightly nervous and Jealous too
Dear nervous jelly donut,
It must suck to come from a family of burglars. She must have learned it from one of your parents so I wouldn’t put all the blame on her. But here is what you do. Take her out to a spa day. Make sure it’s at your house and you have a friend dress up as a technician. Proceed to do the following….
A) Dying her hair a random color wont be enough. Proceed to stick pieces of gum in random spots so she must cut it all off. Then proceed to bleach certain spots. If that doesn’t work just take out the scissors and get to snipping. Proceed to tell her its a new hair treatment that will make her hair grow longer in 2-5 days.
B) Throw fish into her car. Anytime she steps out she will reek of rotting fish. Make sure to put it in spots she won’t think to look. I recommend the AC vents and inside the doors.
If the above steps don’t work proceed to the nearest bar and beat the shit out of her in front of your new man. Every man loves a cat fight. Especially when it’s about them.
Signed, Bobbi J.