Re-evalutations: A Major (or minor) Look Inside My Inner Self

I constantly find myself angry over the little things. I don’t mean little things as in spilt milk (I am a mom so milk isn’t a issue) but more along the lines of Damn I hate my hours at work, or Great… My husband is asleep again when I get home from work… guess he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I’m tired of feeling such animosity to my so called mother in law ((cringe)) for our past dealings, or my husband for his lack of interest ((in my eyes only it seems)) in me, or myself for living the way I do and not aspiring to be more.

Break it down…

Ok. I have regrets. Plenty of people do. I want to learn how to move past the short comings of my past and look forward to my future and whatever God has in store for me. I have finally found Him and I refuse to let either one of us down by just surviving. If you have read some of my past blogs you know I haven’t lived in a long time. I’ve survived. Lets go through my regrets and try to move past them.

I dated the wrong person.

Big deal Chris. You dated an immature idiot who took not only your innocence but took your sense of self. GET OVER IT! You’re not the only girl in the world to date an idiot who didn’t know how to be man. So I moved out when I was sixteen years old. So what. So I took a few wrong turns along the way. Everyone does it.

…Moving on…

I stayed in an abusive relationship.

Ok. This one will take a lot more than just words on a screen to get over. I was young and he hit me. The first time I didn’t and coincidentally still do not have a clue as to why he did it. Only thing I remember is that he did it… I left… came back ((big mistake on my part but I needed to know why)) and he did it again. Second time he thought I lied ((I did not, though that still doesn’t give him the right to do what he did)) and he hit me again. Another time his friend sent him a picture of a girls boobs and for some reason he thought it was me. That night ended up with me hiding behind a bush on the side of the highway waiting for my friend to come get me. The sad part is after that time he never did hit me again however I, believing he changed, stayed with him for another 2 years, got pregnant with his daughter, had the baby, married him and now here I am. He is no longer physically striking me however emotionally I’m not sure how much more abuse I can take.

 

I should have went away to college.

Yes. I definetly should have and though I will forever wish I could change that aspect of my life I cannot and therefore I refuse to dwell on it. Instead I want to make sure that I do go to college and get a degree in a field I can enjoy.

NEXT!

I’ve been abused.

I was a victim of rape on three occasions and though no one in the world who knows me knows of this I prefer to keep it that way. I had a tendency to put myself in these situations and I have payed the price.

I danced for dollars.

I don’t so much regret this stage of my life. It taught me a lot and made me value myself much more than I did at the time. Though it is tempting to get back into it considering I need the mony I try to refuse it.

It’s hard.

I’ve always had a little black on my soul and I am making an effort to erase it. I found God and he will help me through this. He will help me to bring out the best in myself. I will overcome. I will achieve. I will finally LIVE.

 

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8 comments

  1. Wow. This is such an incredible post. I want to first thank you for being so honest and brave and open about your most recent and past experiences. It takes such courage to let it all out there I think and to be in a place where you’re unsure of the outcome too. I can definitely understand that and as I was reading your blog, I found many similarities about my own path in my life to where I am now. So, I hope you know that you’re definitely not alone in how you feel or what you’ve experienced either. Thank you again, for posting something so beautiful.

    • Thank you so much. My blog is the only way I can vent about my life. And to be honest it makes me feel so much lighter afterward. I haven’t told my whole story but slowly I am in each post. I always feel alone in what I’m dealing with but thank u so much for showing me that I’m not!

      • You definitely don’t have to thank me. I’m glad that your blog is an outlet for you to tell others how you feel and validate for yourself how you’re feeling in your life. I can definitely relate to that so very much, and especially right now. I can assure you, you’re not alone at all. I’m really looking forward to building friendships through blogs because I think we’d all be amazed at how much we have in common with each other after all 🙂

      • I feel the exact same way. I just recently connected with a fellow blogger and to be honest the connection is what I’m in need of. Friends will either agree with u or say oh it can’t be that bad.

      • I definitely feel you on wanting to connect with people. I hope to do that too. And I want to connect with people who don’t necessarily have to be going through the same thing as me but who are just open, who don’t have all the answers but are wanting to seek them and people who just aren’t going to mask pain or whatever with the whole you’ll get over it crap.

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