“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” ― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi PicoultMy Sister’s Keeper

lonely-1

Disappointment. A constant in my life. My own, my husbands. It has become a steady heartbeat. I guess it’s my own fault. He just doesn’t seem to understand me nor does he seem to try. Maybe he just doesn’t want to anymore and if that’s the case then that’s fine. However, I can’t feel this lonely in a room full of people anymore. I am running out of tears to shed, out of excuses to give. Yes, we are both stressed. I don’t believe that gives him the right to be so cruel to me. So cold. So distant. I’m a woman. I need affection, attention, respect. I need your help sometimes. I can’t do it all. I’m a mother, I work full time. I have duties to you, our daughter, my job, our home. I’m constantly pushing myself out of the equation. Maybe that’s why it has been so easy for the darkness to find me lately.

What do you do if the life you have created for yourself isn’t the life you deserve nor the one you want. My relationship is in shambles. It’s crumbling slowly day by day. I can only take your mean streak so much. It’s chipping away at what little happiness I have left in my soul. I’m afraid. I’ve lost myself a long time ago and accepted it. Now I’m accepting of the fact that I may lose you as well.

Lonely_bench

I must have talked to him over ten times about this. About how he brings me down, calls me names, most of the time for no reason. About how hurtful he can be. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care.

 Do I stay or do I go? Do I suffer this abuse for eternity or end it and start anew?

Maybe I just need someone to understand me. To make me feel important and beautiful, wanted and needed. I crave it desperately.

happiness-happy-lonely-love-quotes-Favim.com-276030

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6 comments

  1. I’ve read a couple of your posts. I’m sorry for your troubles and I honestly hope you can work things out with your husband. Sometimes it’s our own insecurities that cause our relationship problems. I was like you until I realized that my husband wasn’t the problem, I was. I’m not saying that’s true in your case. How could I, I don’t even know you. It’s just a thought. I wished someone had pointed out to me early in my marriage that I was part of the problem. God bless and hang in there.

    • I completely understand what you are saying. And for a time I did think it was all me but after completely being unresponsive to my husbands anger I’ve come to the realization that no matter what I do he is harsh and mean anyway. Thank you though 🙂 I’m not saying it’s not partly me but I don’t think that i am really the problem anymore.

  2. Sorry to hear how awful things are for you at the moment. Its a very difficult situation to be in, and I am sure you are trying to come up with the best solution, for you and your baby. Its very hard.
    This is a great platform to share your thoughts and emotions, so while people may not respond to your posts it doesn’t mean that they are not sympathizing with you.
    I’ve been in a similar situation before but I don’t think my advice would be that great. I’m still trying to figure out whether I did the right thing.

      • Ok sure. Well I decided to lay out my goals, what did I want from my life, separate from my partner. I put plans in place to try and achieve these. I decided that if he wanted to join my journey he could.
        What I’m getting at is that he is obviously a very negative person and this is affected you, crushing your happiness. You are looking only to him to cheer you up but he is not giving you this.
        Even though you have a child there’s nothing stopping you from finding pleasure and satisfaction from somewhere else in your life. I know money is tight so look to your local community for events or classes. Look at what kind of career you might like in the future.
        If he sees you happy, moving on, he might come around. If he doesn’t you’ll have the strength to leave.
        I ended up re-centering my priorities and I found new friends and a new partner. However, re-centering may be just what your relationship needs?
        He isn’t your world. Remember who you are, (I know, reminds me of the Lion King quote, but its true.) You had an identity before he came on the scene.

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