“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
Disappointment. A constant in my life. My own, my husbands. It has become a steady heartbeat. I guess it’s my own fault. He just doesn’t seem to understand me nor does he seem to try. Maybe he just doesn’t want to anymore and if that’s the case then that’s fine. However, I can’t feel this lonely in a room full of people anymore. I am running out of tears to shed, out of excuses to give. Yes, we are both stressed. I don’t believe that gives him the right to be so cruel to me. So cold. So distant. I’m a woman. I need affection, attention, respect. I need your help sometimes. I can’t do it all. I’m a mother, I work full time. I have duties to you, our daughter, my job, our home. I’m constantly pushing myself out of the equation. Maybe that’s why it has been so easy for the darkness to find me lately.
What do you do if the life you have created for yourself isn’t the life you deserve nor the one you want. My relationship is in shambles. It’s crumbling slowly day by day. I can only take your mean streak so much. It’s chipping away at what little happiness I have left in my soul. I’m afraid. I’ve lost myself a long time ago and accepted it. Now I’m accepting of the fact that I may lose you as well.
I must have talked to him over ten times about this. About how he brings me down, calls me names, most of the time for no reason. About how hurtful he can be. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care.
Do I stay or do I go? Do I suffer this abuse for eternity or end it and start anew?
Maybe I just need someone to understand me. To make me feel important and beautiful, wanted and needed. I crave it desperately.