I’m in a nightmare and I have been for the past decade. I’ve been tossing and turning wondering when will I wake up? Ten years is an awfully long time for a nightmare to last I think. Perhaps it has lasted longer than that. Perhaps it has lasted much much longer than that.
I’ve always been bitter about being a type I diabetic. But as the old saying goes… shit happens. Well yea, shit does happen and it quite often happens to me. I’m surprised I don’t wonder more often why I was chosen in Gods great scheme of things to harbor such a disease. Was it something I did in a past life? Is there a such thing as a past life? I mean how much harm can a seven year old do? So if it isn’t genetic then it just happened because it happened. Well that is a little rash don’t you think? There must be a reason. Sadly, I doubt I will ever have the reason revealed to me.
So of course I was depressed about this more than once in my 24 years of life. I guess you could say that I have now grown accustomed to it. However managing it will still be a great obstacle for me. I will survive.
I got my heart broken multiple times by the same immature boy from the age of 15-18. I guess I’m not one who learns from her mistakes. Do I regret it? I cannot say. If I never met him I never would have met my husband (or I don’t believe I would have met him I should say) and then I wouldn’t have my daughter. I might have a daughter with someone else but that wouldn’t be the baby I have now and no matter what I regret in my past 24 years she is not one of those foolish mistakes.
I’m so lonely I could cry. my husband doesn’t seem to love me like he used to. I feel like when I’m around him I can’t do anything right. He constantly belittles me or gives me an attitude and truthfully he had no idea what he is doing. His hurtful words and lack of attention to me have me doubting myself so much these past few days. Am I not pretty anymore? Have I gotten fat? We barely have sex maybe he’s not attracted to me. He doesn’t seem to want to engage in any sort of chatter or physical intimacy with me. And on the random and rare occasion that he grabs me for a kiss I’m more than half of the time so shocked that it doesn’t reach me until he’s already turned away. I am so lonely.
I wake up every day lately not wanting to face the day. The sun doesn’t kiss my skin the way it used to. Morning had come a routine thing. Baby wakes up. Put on Elmo and give her a bottle. More often than not she falls back to sleep in bed with me. Sleep the morning away. Wake up. Feed baby breakfast. Play with baby. Get ready for work. Go to work.
My work day consists of me feeling unimportant and unneeded. It’s quite slow during the evening shift. And then I come home. Walk in the door. Husband is getting ready to go to sleep. Baby is asleep. And I’m left alone to read or write or do whatever until I can fall asleep. I’ve always had trouble falling asleep and that still has not changed.
Wow what a life huh. I’m tired of feeling useless and unwanted. Tomorrow I hope I can stick to my guns and make a change. Go back to the me who woke up and kicked some morning butt. Who thrived throughout the day and at night went to bed with a dry pillow and a smile. That’s the me I want to be. I wonder if I have it in me.