Another year older… Let’s hope it makes me wiser

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! Well today hasn’t exactly been my cup of tea but I’m not really complaining. I guess it’s just making me cranky. What with Ariana throwing up on me this morning and then pooping all over the place and now spending my bday at the laundromat I guess today could be worse. And of course Gabriel is being an asshole again but what else is new? Wow. Absolutely nothing.

How do you make change happen when the world is forcing you in the same direction? You try to turn down a different path and a gust of wind keeps you going straight. I am determined to change the way my life is going. It’s so sad how the things I have done… Mainly the things I regret that I have done are causing me to have so much to suffer for. I wonder all the time if I could go back and change my life would I? Would it turn out the same? Would I still be here? Would I have my daughter? I’m tired of asking questions of what if. I want to see action and I want to see it now.

But action actually requires y to do something. Right now I feel as if I don’t have any options. I’m in a troubling marriage that is making me more and more miserable by the day. I can’t afford a divorce and to be honest I doubt he would give me one. I’m broke. I want to go to school and finish my degree but I can’t because like I said I’m broke. I want to be in my career b I can’t because I can’t go to school because I’m broke. I can’t save money because I am in so much debt.

Stop complaining. I will figure this out.

“You can’t stop the future
You can’t rewind the past
The only way to learn the secret
…is to press play.”
― Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

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